Cancelled. Sorry.

HARDCORE...WITHOUT PANTS!!!!!!

Yeah, that's right. A metal show WITHOUT any pants. It WAS on WEFT Champaign 90.1FM but I kinda moved to Chicago and was on Flames Radio until Feb. 1999.

What's so damn special about this show anyway?

I'm glad you asked. Well, not really. If you like music by Debbie Gibson, Stryper, Menudo, and the Spice Girls, then seek out a psychologist and get a good dose of ECT cause you've got serious problems. Bad music is the disease, and we are the cure!!! We've got so much metal we don't know what to do with it! It's WHOLESALE INSANITY!!!! WE'RE SLASHING PRICES AND DROPPING OUR PANTS FOR ANY REQUEST!!!! THAT'S HOW DEDICATED WE ARE!!!!

I mean, what's the BIG DEAL?!?

Oh. Uh, okay. Well, other shows feature commercials and djs who don't care about the trash they're feeding you. Remember that "Zombie" song by the Cranberries? You know, the one that goes "in your head, in your heeaad, ZOMbeee, Zombeee, Zombeeahbeeahbeaheyheyohey?" Don't you just HATE that song? Of COURSE you do. You're probably furious now that I even mentioned it and it's stuck in your head for the rest of your life and you can't go on and you have to commit yourself and you're put in the ward where ALL those driven insane by that song are placed AND THERE'S NO CURE AND YOU CAN'T DO A DAMN THING ABOUT IT AND YOU HAVE TO SHARE A PADDED ROOM WITH FOUR GUYS NAMED PIERRE AND well we'll just let you think about that for a while (just whatever you do don't think of that "oombop" song by those preteen punks).

OR.....You can tune in to us! Here's what we've got to offer over the competition:

Freestylin' undie chart	US	them
commercials	a few	plenty! Corporate pigs!
octane	UNLEADED! SAFE FOR THE ENVIRONMENT!	gas guzzlin' jerks; enjoy spilling millions of gallons of oil in pond by your house
love	We're caring, compassionate, & fullfill all your needs	uncaring jerks who won't stay for breakfast OR call the next day
music	METAL MADNESS!	crap.
djs/people	REAL people who care about YOU.	They're pouring sugar in your gas tank as you read this
features	poetry readings; music; useful pickup lines; more music; traffic tips for those driving around at 2am	corporate plans to rule over all of you with an iron fist

So as you can see, HARDCORE...WITHOUT PANTS is truly superior to all. And the music's good too.

So...who's on this show?

I am! And who am I? Well, I'm Faithful Sidekick Paul, the current host of HARDCORE...WITHOUT PANTS. I play the music. I pick the tunes. I answer your calls. I'm single & desperate. And I'm there for YOU. But I can't handle it all alone. I'm a bit bashful when I'm on the air and half-naked. So I'm joined randomly by a few guests:

Sidekick Sidekick Rich is a regular guest on the show. He's been helping me maintain my girlish figure. He's brave; strong; he hits me whenever I cry like a baby. Bob Saget wouldn't have been such a big hit without this guy. He dares...because he cares! He goes by the book, making sure every criminal scum gets the rights that liberal scum say they deserve. But beneath this hard exterior he's got a heart of gold and a pair of boxers he got half price. And what a sale it was!

And you do what now?

Nothing. My show was cancelled, ya goofs...

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