Every Labor Day weekend my friends and I hold the International Othersports Festival, also known as the IOSF.

The history of the IOSF, a semi-religious series of friendly contests whose deity is a wax statue of a famous bridge player, dates from 1982.

If you want to know more, keep reading, send some e-mail to IOSF participants, or check out this example of their demented creativity, the Robinson's Christmas Card Gallery. And, if you haven't already, be sure to visit my home page. Also here are a few photos of the Silver Anniversary 2006 IOSF.

These are the events the IOSF usually includes:

F--k yelling

F--k yelling is simply a contest to see who can yell the "F" word loudest. My brothers and I used to do this when our slighlty deaf grandmother was around, going progressively higher until she heard one of us. Loser got hit with her cane.

Speed softball

Speed softball is played with a 60-minute or less time limit. Each team provides its own pitcher. Batters must hit the ball in two pitches or they're out. Major League Baseball needs to adopt these rules.

Bowling

And, of course, drinking beer while bowling.

An IOSF writing contest

Participants are asked to write an essay, other prose, poetry, or song, about the IOSF.

Bad golf

"Bad" golf just means we play golf badly.

Volleyball

We don't play this too well either.

A brief history of the IOSF

How the International Othersports Festival came to be is a classic saga of Midwest America.

The IOSF was the creation of four college chums gathered together again for a weekend in the summer of 1982 at Ligonier in northeast Indiana.

Greg "Mr. Greg" Kline, then serving as the editor of Ligonier's weekly newspaper, Mike "The Big C" Carniello, Carl "Cahl" Abernathy and Hugh "Honey Boy Wilson" Totten had spent the weekend bowling, playing bar shuffleboard and video games and drinking cold beer when they decided to visit the International Palace of Sports in nearby North Webster. A tawdry tourist attraction, the palace was a wax museum of sports figures ranging from the renowned (O.J. Simpson was in there, believe or not) to the obscure (try professional fisherman Jimmy Houston).

The stated purpose of the palace, a concrete building designed to look like an Arthurian castle, was to "combine the principles of ancient Camelot with the modern sports world." Each year, in conjunction with the community's Queen of Lakes Festival, palace officials would name a "king" or "queen" of sports -- based largely on whether the person selected would show up for the ceremony, which O.J. did -- and install a life-sized wax figure of them in the museum.

The statues were grouped in alcoves dubbed "Kingdoms of Sport." There was a kingdom for basketball, one for football, a place for noted Olympians and even a spot for auto racing. (Hey, this was in Indiana, you know.)

And in one obscure corner of the building, under a placard reading "Kings and Queens of Other Sports," was a wax statue of bridge master Ely Culbertson.

In the 1930s, Culbertson was a national sporting figure on par with Michael Jordan today. His matches drew massive crowds. Then, a tape recording informed palace visitors, he "turned his skill in the game of contract bridge to the cause of world peace" becoming a major proponent of the United Nations after World War II. (In the words of Dave Barry, I am not making this up.)

It was the Culbertson figure that prompted Totten to declare: "I've got a great idea. Let's get all of our friends together over Labor Day weekend for an 'othersports festival.' We'll pick teams, play games, drink, laugh and drink some more."

So the International Othersports Festival was born with the first games held in Ligonier that fall.

The palace, just in case you were planning a trip there, went bust in 1990. It is now a giant shoe store. Kline purchased the wax statute of Culbertson for $400 at an auction to pay off creditors.
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IOSF FAQs

What's the logo atop this page?

That is the official logo of the IOSF, invented by David Dewar. Many people think those are beer tabs intertwined to look like Olympic rings turned upside down. Nothing could be further from the truth. The jack-booted thugs from the International Olympic Committee would sue us. In reality, the logo is a homage to a 100-yard beer tab chain David once made.

Where is the IOSF held?

The games are always held in a Midwestern community that hasn't yet threatened us with prosecution. Ligonier, Jasper, Michigan City, Indianapolis and West Lafayette (home of the Purdue Boilermakers) in Indiana have been past sites, as well as Chicago and Topeka, Kan.

When is the IOSF held?

The games are always held over Labor Day weekend. They start Friday night when two teams are selected by the four IOSF founders. One team is designated the "serious" team and the other the "fun" team but neither is serious and both are fun.

What if I can't get there until Saturday?

Warmups and team selection take place Friday night along with a couple individual events, such as f--k yelling. (This is a contest to see who can yell the "F" word loudest. Very therapeutic. You should try it.) But the major team events, notably softball and bowling, don't begin until after noon Saturday. If you come on Saturday, you will be randomly placed on a team like everyone else. If you cannot come Friday night, you will have some catching up to do if you hope to compete for the coveted individual-drinking title. Knocking back a pint of icy-cold vodka would be good start.

What awards are there?

The person or persons who come from farthest away are named the grand marshal(s) of the games. Mike Botkin, who came to the original IOSF from Bay City, Texas, was the first winner of this honor and later wrote the official IOSF song. Bob Bohner of Los Angeles has won it so many times we've lost count. Other awards are distributed sporadically in recognition of outstanding performances. For example, Diana McClain was named "Master Games Woman" when she showed up one year despite having a broken jaw.

What do I wear?

Nothing. Just kidding. That would not be a pretty sight. Most people stick to shorts and t-shirts. We issue official IOSF t-shirts with the logo on them and a catchy saying.

Is the competition intense?

We are talking about highly unskilled athletes participating in activities they do maybe once a year, all while drinking almost constantly. Not surprisingly, the games always end in a tie. What's really intense is the talking and laughing.

Will this affect my chances of being named to the Supreme Court?

Only if you allow someone to take pictures of you. For example, Co-founder Hugh "Honey Boy Wilson" Totten was once video taped reciting the official motto of the IOSF, "Cheat whenever you can, lie if you get caught, blame it on somebody else, and never sleep where they don't have a shower." Clarence Thomas, on the other hand, was never taped saying, "Ok, who put the pube on my Coke can." Lacking solid evidence, people should by the end of the weekend be unable to swear in a Senate committee hearing that they saw you at the games. In the case of Justice Thomas, it never even came up.

Can anyone attend?

Almost anyone is welcome, except for sitting presidents of the United States. This rule was instituted after the 1983 IOSF, where a drunken Ronald Reagan refused to wear a shirt and kept telling people that pressing his belly button would launch his MX missile. In addition, a few individuals have been banned for life, notably former Vice President Dan Quayle, Jill McKee, Mike Nieto and all past participants who routinely went to bed before 10 p.m. George W. Bush and Dick Cheney not only are banned, we never use their names and refer to them only as "the evil ones who must not be named."
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