Editor’s note: While loosely based on a true story, most names and details have been changed to protect both the innocent and the guilty. Lev has an extremely active imagination!
The Cosmopolitan Club is what it stands for, and so, one day for one of our cooking endeavors, 4 people of the following nationalities gathered in the kitchen:
1) A petite grad student from Antarctica, Melanie.
2) Pardus, a muscular and humorous guy from Wari.
3) Rebecca, a lonely African-American woman.
4) Lev, a tall male dancer from Israel.
I believe that gender roles exist for a good reason, but that day, Lev and Pardus were cooking, while Melanie and Becki were hanging out in the kitchen doing what women are best at—gossiping. There was another strange thing about to happen. Lev was about to go back to Israel to get a nose job. Lev has a deviated septum, and needs a septoplasty, a surgery on his nose which will make him breathe better.
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| Lev on ice |
It so happened that the girls started to talk about fashion and about beauty, so Lev could not resist making a provocative remark. “Yea, girls, I don't like my nose, so I'm going back to Israel in a couple of months to get a nose job” “No you aren’t!” said Becki. “Well, did you ever hear me lie? Wait three weeks, and when I come back you'll see for yourself!” “Liar,” accused Becki.
“I believe him,” Melanie defended him. “You know in the United States, people do not care too much about how they look, but in my country we have very high beauty standards. A woman that doesn't look good cannot have confidence. My sister had a nose job and a cheek lift. And a lip transplant. And work on … other parts of the body. The cheek lift is the most important, it makes you look glamorous and intelligent. And it's very important for men that their women look glamorous and intelligent, for them, the face is the most important. And me, myself, every time I go back home, I have to loose 25 pounds. Did you see me jumping on my jump rope?”
“Come on, you're slim!” protested Becki, who was twice the size of Melanie. “No, no, when I go home, I feel fat, it's horrible.” “Well, at least you are not going to have a …???” “No, but I really want to get a nose job, so Lev, when you're back from Israel, tell me how it worked.”
“I'll tell you, but I think I should ask you, after all, your sis is the one who already had it, so you probably know all there is to know about it.” “No, my sister did it when I was in the United States. All I know is that it's painful. Lev, why do you want to get a nose job?” “Well, I cannot breathe well.” “So it's a medical reason?” “Yes.” “Then it's not a nose job. Becki was right. You're a Liar.” “Come on, it IS a nose job. And why do you want to get a nose job?” “I don't like my nose. Particularly the way it comes out in pictures. I travel a lot, and you know, I'm from Antarctica, so I take a lot of pictures.”
“Hey, Pardus, why are you putting tomato paste on top of the onions and the curry powder? Have you ever cooked before? You're mixing ridiculous components!” Becki interrupted. “Becki, you better get a nose job yourself, you're just too nosy.” “No, no, I know what I'm doing.” replied Pardus.
“The first time I've even seen a black man cook,” said Becki with a dreamy expression on her face. “I know, I know,” said Pardus. “I had a lot of problems learning how to cook in Wari because of that. You know, my mother is a great cook, and I always wanted to learn to cook like her. But she never let me try it. “You're a man”, she used to say. “Men don't cook. What you need is a wife that cooks well. And I will not teach you how to cook”.
Pardus took a long pause and then continued as he was stirring the strange components in his pot. “But I wanted to learn how to cook so bad. So I always invented reasons to be around my mom when she was around. I was sharpening my machete in the kitchen telling her it has to be sharp before I go hunting leopards. I told her that I've seen a dangerous snake in the house and that I want to stay around and protect her in case the snake wants to attack. And so on and so on. And then I went to a college. It was an engineering college. All guys. Nobody knew how to cook. And bit by bit, I've learned to reproduce every recipe in my mom's kitchen. And you know how it is. I was the most popular guy in my college.
“And then, one day, I came back home from college for mom's birthday. And there was a big party. And I told my mom: “Today is your birthday. What you're going to do is sit back and relax, while I'll cook for everybody.” “You never cooked even for yourself,” she said. “How are you going to cook for everybody? We have over 200 relatives coming!” “Mom, relax and believe me. I'm a grown man now. And as a grown up man and as your son, I ask you to sit down and relax, and to let me take care of you.” “And I cooked for the entire party,” continued Pardus. “And everybody ate and joyed and merried.”
“OK, my dish is ready. Do you want to taste it?” Pardus asked Becki. Becki's eyes were wet. She did not respond immediately, so Pardus took a spoonful and let her taste it. “It's so delicious,.. “ Becki whispered. Lev has never seen a woman melt like this before...in his life!
Antoine de Saint Exupéry, in his Little Prince, said “you're responsible for those who fall in love with you.” And Lev says: “Be careful before you tell a woman how you took care of your mom on her birthday by cooking for all the guests! Be careful, or be prepared for the consequences...” If you walk into our kitchen, you might think it's painted white. This is wrong. The kitchen used to be painted red. It just went pale from what it has seen that day.
And for all of you, cooking lovers, here is the secret recipe: You take an onion, and fry it in some oil with curry powder. Then you add some beans, tomato paste, and Maggi cubes, and cook some more. Finally, you throw in some canned tuna and corned beef. No one would ever believe that it could be delicious. But those who have tested it know that Pardus can prove any skeptic wrong!
Isn't it fun to live in the Cosmo Club?