Al-Anon Family Group

The Forum magazine articles - September 2003

The following articles from the September 2003 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.  For more articles, check The Forum archive.

My spouse was in the hospital after falling down the stairs.  His blood-alcohol level was .262 when he arrived at the emergency room.  I visited him every day but was never there when the doctor made his rounds.      About four days after my husband was admitted, I called the doctor's office and asked that he return my call.  I had two things I wanted to discuss with him.  First my husband was in a great deal of pain, the source of which had not been diagnosed.  I asked, "What is the plan of action?"  The answer to that was not forthcoming.  Magnetic Resonance Imaging showed my husband had three small strokes at some point, but that was not the reason for his current disability.  The doctor said further tests would need to be done.      My second question was, "What are we going to do about my husband's alcoholism?"  Wow!  Did I get a fast response to that question!  The doctor all but shouted over the phone:  "We aren't going to do anything!  You have to go to Al-Anon!"      I am sure there was a period of silence on my end of the phone.  Me?  Go to Al-Anon?  My first thought was, "Why me?  I don't drink.  I don't have a problem."      After I caught my breath and came to my senses, I guess I thanked the doctor for his time and hung up.  I then began to search the phone book for an Al-Anon number to call.  Perhaps I called an AA number.  I don't really remember.  I was referred to a very thoughtful, kind person who told me there would be an Al-Anon meeting at the hospital near my home on Wednesday at seven o'clock.      I went to my first meeting the next week.  Needless to say, I received a warm welcome to Al-Anon and heard, "Keep Coming Back."  I have continued to go back and am so grateful to the doctor who told me I had to go and to the members who welcomed me.  I have been in Al-Anon for three and a half years and will probably attend meetings for the rest of my life.  I soon realized because I had lived in an alcoholic situation all of my life, I did indeed have a few problems!  I was a very sick person.      In Al-Anon, I have found peace of mind and serenity I never guessed possible.  My husband still drinks but I know I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it.  All I can do is take care of myself by practicing Al-Anon's Twelve Steps, Traditions, attending Al-Anon meetings, and reading the literature.      My change of attitude has made a big difference in how my husband and I get along.  It has also made a difference in how I get along with other people.  I no longer react to situations that are beyond my control.  I listen and comment only when someone asks for my opinion.  My husband and I discuss matters calmly and openly.  I have choices and so does my husband.  His choices are not my business.      On my Third Anniversary in Al-Anon, I wrote a letter to the doctor who told me about Al-Anon.  I thanked him and told him he and Al-Anon had saved my life, both spiritually and physically.  I will always be grateful to that doctor and to the people who welcomed me so warmly.

Some years back, I divorced my husband.  His crime?  He was chemically dependent--an alcoholic.  I blamed him for making me depressed, suicidal, and miserable.  I honestly believed I had rid myself of the shameful disease by divorcing him.      Several years down the road, I was somewhat surprised that two of our three children were also alcoholics.  The more I tried to control them, the more they spiraled out of control.  As I continued to lash out with cruel words, corporal punishments, and escalating consequences, one of them became violent toward me.      Perhaps that was the only thing my daughter thought she could do.  One day, in the midst of a heated and shrewish exchange, she broke my nose with the sole of her boot.  The death threat that followed fell on numb ears.  I felt a morbid sense of satisfaction as they handcuffed her and stuffed her into the police car.  I was glad she was gone.  At least I'd be able to sleep without locking my bedroom door.      In the courtroom, as I walked past my daughter I felt a smug sense of vindication.  How dare she attack her own mother?  She stood, rattled the shackles on her feet, and growled as I passed, "Are you happy now?"  I have to admit, I was pleased.  Her comment washed away any pity I might have felt for her.      The judge sentenced my daughter to a teen rehab program.  He sentenced both of us to attend Al-Anon meetings--together!  I didn't want to be on the same planet with my daughter, let alone in the same room.  But I went because the judge ordered me to go.  When I arrived at my first Al-Anon meeting, I was one of those angry and arrogant members I had read about in Understanding Ourselves and Alcoholism (P-4).  I attended Al-Anon religiously, noting each meeting for the judge.  All the while, in a cloud of depression, I continued to plan my suicide.      After only two weeks, I noticed some of the black clouds lifting.  Life was no longer more than I could bear.  Even work seemed tolerable.  I decided since Al-Anon had helped me feel better, maybe the Twelve Steps and a Sponsor could help even more.  I attacked the Steps zealously.  Finally I found a way to dig myself out of the grave where I had been living.  The harder I worked on my program, the better I felt.  By the time I reached Step Nine and was ready to make amends to my daughter, our relationship was already on the mend.      Two and a half years later our relationship grows stronger every day.  All of the loved ones I pushed away are back in my life.  I awake each morning grateful to my Higher Power for another day full of light and love.      The day I stood before the judge with my daughter was possibly the blackest day of my life.  When I worked Step Nine, I wrote the judge a thank-you note.  He saved my life by sending me to Al-Anon.

My tendency is to try to impose order on things in my environment.  If I'm not watching closely and paying attention, resentments can sneak up on me.  At home in my bathroom closet I put the bath towels in one spot, the hand towels in another, and the washcloths where they belong.  One day several washcloths were on top of the bath towels with a bath towel or two on top of the hand towels.      I stood there for a moment and began to get angry.  I said to myself "Why can't my husband put these things in the right places?"  It's just the two of us, so I had no one else to blame.  Then I proceeded to rearrange the items.      A couple of slogans came to mind:  "How Important Is It?"  and, "First Things First."  I began to realize that it only took me a few seconds to rearrange the towels.  Then I asked myself, "Where is your gratitude?"  I should be glad that my husband washes, dries, folds, and puts things away.  So I began to lose my anger and counted this as a lesson about changing my attitude.      I shared this story with my Al-Anon group.  Later, when all of my anger and frustration were gone, I was able to relate it to my husband.  When he realized this concerned me, he made more of an effort to put the towels in their proper places.  As things have evolved, he doesn't always get them there, and you know what?  I don't really care anymore if the closet is a little disheveled.      Through Al-Anon I have learned if I hang onto resentments they will grow and develop into larger ones.  If I work through my resentments, I can get on with life and be present in the moment.