Al-Anon Family Group

District 12 of Southern Illinois

The Forum magazine articles - September 2002

The following articles from the September 2002 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA. For more articles, check The Forum archive.

Therapists Told Me about
Al-Anon
Miriam J., New York

      Almost 20 years ago, when my teenage daughter was drinking, cutting classes, and acting defiant, I came into Al-Anon. Nothing my husband and I did improved the situation, and our marriage suffered because of our disagreements and the strain. We decided we needed help.
     A friend recommended a therapist who was good with teenagers. We went to see the therapist and his first recommendation was that we start going to Al-Anon. We went to a beginners' meeting at our county mental-health facility. Soon I felt comfortable with a small group I found that met near my home, but my husband decided not to go to any more meetings.

     In the beginning, I did not understand that Al-Anon was about me changing rather than changing another person. I learned a lot about my enabling and controlling behaviors and made a conscious effort to change them. That was very hard for me to do because I grew up in an alcoholic family, so I had spent my whole life learning these behaviors. I went to meetings for about three years. My daughter went to college, my marriage improved, and I thought I did not need Al-Anon meetings anymore.

     About ten years later, I found myself at a new bottom again when I could no longer deny my husband's alcoholism. Once again I found a therapist who told me to go to Al-Anon meetings.

     The group I had attended so many years before had disbanded, but I found another warm and loving group. This time I knew I really had to work the program to change myself. Otherwise the pain of living with the results of alcoholism was too great.

     I have found friendship, acceptance, and love since returning to Al-Anon. I was grateful for the acknowledgment of shared feelings and experiences. I wanted to reach out to people at the meeting but did not know how. I am a shy person, so it took me a few weeks of meetings before I felt comfortable speaking.

    At first, I used service work as a way to help me feel I was a part of the group. I started by helping put away our Conference Approved Literature after the meeting. After a year, I felt ready to chair the meetings for a month. I started attending a second meeting every week and volunteered to fill the Group Representative position for that group. In the past year, two people asked me to be their sponsor. A few months ago, one of my sponsees asked for help in starting a beginners' group in our area and I agreed to help her. The beginners' meeting has added a whole new dimension to my recovery. It keeps me focused on the basics of Al-Anon.

     As much as I have grown and changed, I know I have more work to do. The program keeps me honest with myself and able to look at life realistically. I know I will keep coming back as long as I can. I will always be grateful to the therapists who suggested that I try Al-Anon.

I'm HOME
Barb, Ontario

       A counselor suggested I go to an Al-Anon meeting several years ago. I went to another Twelve Step support program instead. I didn't enjoy it, so I decided not to try Al-Anon. Years later I went to my first Al-Anon meeting, and I have been a regular member ever since.
     I remember the depth of sharing at my first Al-Anon meeting. Boy, by the time we finished the closing prayer there were tears streaming down my cheeks. "Someone finally understands," I thought. "I'm home."

     From a very young age, I always believed that I was unworthy. I wanted something that was going to help me immediately. Instead, I found a program that I am working one day at a time. I was very fearful that God wouldn't love me, that he wasn't listening to me, and that he was completely out of reach.

     I was a people-pleaser and did not have a strong sense of self. Therefore I felt like a victim--unable to make myself happy, and believing I wasn't able to love and accept myself. I was also very angry at my belief that everyone and everything had control over me. I blamed outside sources for making me angry. I had difficulty seeing that I made myself angry and that I had any choices about my anger.

     I'm now repeating affirmations to counteract these old beliefs, and sometimes I do make myself happy. It's all a process, and I know my happiness is not going to descend upon me without some work on my part. But once I do the footwork, I'm slowly handing things over to my Higher Power and I'm feeling more at peace. I've also been able to recognize God as an inner source of comfort, love, wisdom, and compassion.

     My sense of self has never been stronger than it is right now, so I don't feel as much like a victim. I'm acknowledging that I was angry, but I don't have the right to stay angry. This idea is giving me a new sense of freedom.

    Thank you, Al-Anon, for wisdom around the tables, for new friends, and for new ways to think about my life.

^{I Called}₉₁₁
Nancy S., Washington

When I came home from work one Saturday, I found my husband very drunk and angry, so I became angry, too. As we argued, he came after me with a large kitchen knife. My own denial told me this wasn't really happening. It seemed like a movie. In the movie, I could be the hero who grabbed the knife away from the bad guy. In real life, when I tried to grab the knife I suffered a serious cut across the palm of my right hand.

Eventually I got away from him, grabbed a clean towel to wrap my hand, and drove myself to the emergency room. While waiting for medical treatment, I began to worry that my husband might kill himself with the knife--so I called 911.

I spent a very long time in the waiting room before anyone called my name. When I walked into the treatment room, it became obvious why it had taken so long. The police were waiting to take my statement after they had arrested my husband for fighting with them. They took pictures of my hand, my bloody T-shirt, and the small cut on my neck. I felt like trash. After they stitched up my hand, someone told me to go see my doctor on Monday.

My doctor told me my right hand might always have some numbness around the scar, but it would still be usable. "But what are we going to do about you?" he asked. My automatic response was, "Oh, I'll be fine." "No," he persisted, "what are we going to do about you?" He went on to explain that he was referring me to a counselor. I still tried to brush it off, but he insisted.

My counselor turned out to be an understanding woman, about my age, who had lots of experience and insight. Somehow I almost felt comfortable talking with her. After several sessions, though, she told me that I didn't talk about myself. I only told her about my husband, his bad habits, his depression, his worries, his likes, and dislikes. Then she suggested that I go to Al-Anon.

I had actually tried three Al-Anon meetings a few years before, but I stopped going when my husband promised to quit drinking. Of course his promise didn't last, and my methods for avoiding problems and denying that anything was wrong had grown stronger. I hadn't even considered returning to Al-Anon. I didn't want to go back to those meetings because I hated to admit defeat. Every time I saw her, my counselor kept asking me if I'd gone.

Finally I went to an Al-Anon meeting just to make her stop! I felt scared, shy, and ashamed. The topic of the meeting was "Letting Go." I didn't think I could ever let go of anything, but the idea of it sounded wonderful. I noticed many of the people in the meeting had something I can only describe as serenity. I didn't think I could ever have that, but it looked wonderful. Every meeting I have attended since that day has brought me closer to knowing myself. I can talk about myself instead of my husband. I can love myself. Sometimes I can even let go and feel serene.

My doctor and counselor wouldn't let me stay in my stubborn denial. I am forever grateful to them for doing that, and also to Al-Anon for helping me learn that real life can be wonderful!