Al-Anon Family Group

The Forum magazine articles - September 2005

The following articles from the September 2005 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.   For more articles, check The Forum archive. 

The first discovery I made when I began working Step Four, “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves,” was the degree to which my resentments fueled my life.  I felt resentful toward my parents, siblings, old school mates, friends, children, and my spouses.  My resentments were an immense burden on my spirit and the closer I was to a person, the stronger my resentment.     While I continued working the Al-Anon program, I learned the importance of forgiveness.  The Higher Power I discovered in recovery gave me a useful tool to rid myself of resentments—letter writing.  One by one, I wrote a letter of forgiveness to each person I resented.  Through those letters, I openly and honestly expressed my repressed anger, admitted the part I played in the resentment, and forgave others for their part.  I didn’t deliver the letters, but writing them was a way to give my resentments to my Higher Power.      With each completed letter, I felt as though someone lifted a weight off my shoulders.  Every single letter contributed to a change in my behavior, which has made it easier to avoid adding any new resentments to my life.  Forgiving others made it easier for me to learn to love.      Some letters were more difficult to write than others.  I tied my resentments so closely to my coping mechanisms I learned in childhood that sometimes I felt I was throwing away a part of myself when I threw away the letters.  Now I know I can replace those aspects of my past with something better. Some events were so painful I hesitated to relive them by writing about them.  In Al-Anon I’ve discovered recovery is a process that can help lessen the pain of my past even though it doesn’t change the events.  Eventually I hope to write the most difficult letter of all—the one forgiving myself.

Checking out garage sale merchandise one morning, I noticed a One Day at a Time book priced at 25 cents.  I bought the book to donate to my group’s lending library.  When I opened it to see if anyone had written on the inside flap, I noticed a bobby pin bookmarking several pages.  I thought, “That’s kind of tacky.  I’ll throw it away when I get home.”  I hadn’t owned a bobby pin since the 1970s.      Driving home, I decided to keep the book in my car.  Even if I didn’t get a chance to read it, just glancing at it periodically would remind me to “Let Go and Let God.”  I soon forgot about the book.      Later that day my daughter called me as I was dressing for a wedding, where she was going to be a bridesmaid.  As she was driving to the church, she told me how things went at the beauty salon.  Suddenly she said, “Oh no, I don’t remember where I put my shoes for the wedding!  I must have left them somewhere.  Mom, I need to go.”  When she hung up, waves of anxiety immediately overwhelmed me, thinking she might hold up the wedding looking for her shoes.      I went to the church hoping to find her before the ceremony.  I wanted to find out if she found her shoes.  The bridal party was in the church basement and I saw my daughter had her shoes.  As I started up the stairs, I turned to ask the young women if they needed anything.  The bride quickly replied, “Yes, do you have any bobby pins?”  Bobby pins?  I answered, “I only have one.”  The bride said she only needed one.  So I rushed out of the church to get that one bobby pin from the One Day at a Time book in my car.       Making my way through the incoming crowd of guests, I was amazed my Higher Power had put that thin, little object in my possession so I could be of service.  I didn’t see it as a coincidence or being in the right place at the right time.  I saw it as my Higher Power working in my life.  When I’m open and willing, my Higher Power presents opportunities for me to be of service and to grow spiritually.  Sometimes my Higher Power uses the simplest objects to do that

People saw me as a typical suburban soccer mom, but my life was crazy.  I thought if I worked harder maybe I could keep everything going—driving my children all over town, managing our household, working outside the home, and scheduling a social life.  My husband didn’t help me, so I was usually angry with him.      Our marriage was about what he wanted and needed.  In fact, my life was all about my husband and kids.  People thought we had the perfect marriage, a wonderful life, but I was deeply unhappy trying to control my husband and his behavior.  I couldn’t fix my marriage, but I couldn’t stand it the way it was.      Due to a crisis involving alcohol, I ended up on the AA Web site, www.alcoholics-anonymous.org, where I saw, “Is there an alcoholic in your life?”  It never occurred to me that my husband might be an alcoholic, because he had given up drinking.  In my on-line search, I found Al-Anon’s Web site for the family and friends of alcoholics at www.al-anon.alateen.org.  There I read, “In Al-Anon and Alateen, members share their own experience, strength, and hope with each other.  You will meet others who share your feelings and frustrations, if not your exact situation.  We come together to learn a better way of life, to find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.”  As I continued searching on-line, I found a meeting schedule on a local Al-Anon Web site.      During my first meeting I was surprised to discover that Al-Anon’s simple recovery program is all about me and how to take care of myself—it isn’t about changing someone else’s behavior.  The only person I have control over is myself.  I am the only person I can change.  I learned that someone can still be an alcoholic even if he stopped drinking.  Attending meetings and listening to other members share their experience, strength, hope, and the things they do that work for them helps me.  I relate to a lot of the things the members share and I try to incorporate those things into my life. In Al-Anon, I started taking care of myself and stopped trying to control things that I can’t control.  I started experiencing sanity and inner peace when I stopped claiming other people’s crises as my own.  Through working the program, I’m on an incredible journey of self-discovery.  I am also teaching my children about healthy relationships.  I am very grateful for recovery.