Al-Anon Family Group

The Forum magazine articles - September 2004

The following articles from the September 2004 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.   For more articles, check The Forum archive.

So many questions filled my mind as I sat on the social worker's couch.  My husband's stay at a treatment center was about to end.  What was I to do?  How should I act?  What could I say that would help keep him sober?      I talked non-stop for 45 minutes and when I finally took a breath, the social worker calmly stood up and walked over to a phone book.  After scanning it, she made a telephone call.  She finished the call and handed me a small slip of yellow paper.  She said, "This is the phone number and address for the local Al-Anon information service office.  They will help you find a meeting.  Go there immediately."  And I did because I was so desperate.  I knew that if someone could show me a way to end my anger and sadness, then I would listen to what they had to say.      The local Al-Anon information service office welcomed me and gave me a meeting schedule.  The next day I attended a newcomers' meeting where I heard the Twelve Steps for the first time.  There I saw a glimpse of what a Higher Power had done in the lives of others.  I had hope and it was all because I followed the social worker's suggestion to contact Al-Anon.      Periodically, I see the social worker and share how much Al-Anon has helped me become the person my Higher Power meant for me to be.  The Twelve Steps, a Higher Power, sponsorship, the fellowship of the program, and the gift of sobriety in our home continue to be blessings for my family and me.  I will be forever grateful that this professional knew the members of Al-Anon would offer me what no one else could--an understanding of living with the disease of alcoholism and the tools to change my life, "One Day at a Time."

My wife and I enjoyed playing cards with friends, going out for dinner, watching our children's school activities, and visiting each other's families.  One common thread in most of our activities was drinking.  When we were first married, I was aware there were problem drinkers in my wife's family and denied there were any in mine.  All of this was of minor concern until I got a firsthand education.      Both of us have very strong opinions and our discussions were not always conducted in a low tone of voice.  Whoever could yell the loudest usually won, and I liked to think that was always me.  When my spouse began to drink more heavily, I believed my behaviors and personality were the main reason for it.  It was because of this guilt that I denied the problem.  I would purchase bottles so she would stay home, make up lies for her, and ignore comments from others that she didn't look well, or somethng to that effect.  Her life could be successfully managed, I thought, and I was getting good at it.  I tried as hard as I could to get her to stop drinking, but nothing worked.       I  am an engineer whose childhood experiences taught me I could control everything.  If I was logical and didn't let emotions enter into my thought process, I really believed I could do it.  This whole philosophy was and still is very hard for me because I really don't have a very logical thinking process.  I tend to let my emotions of fear, confusion, frustration, and anger rise to the surface.  When my emotional state became even more unpredictable, I decided to seek help.  That search led me to my first Al-Anon meeting--terrified of what might happen when I got there.      The meeting consisted of all women and I immediately thought, "How can they help me?"  They welcomed me with open arms and I spent the first couple months just listening.  The Serenity Prayer and the Suggested Al-Anon/Alateen Welcome and Closing became so engrained in me that I memorized them.  I learned many things right away, but I still believed I was attending meetings to help the alcoholic in my life.       It wasn't until I started to share about my situation that I found out the real reason I was there.  I began to find peace in my daily life and felt better about myself than I ever thought possible.  The slogan, "Let Go and Let God," helped me immensely.  People commented about how much happier I seemed.  I found what I needed, and even though the alcoholic in my life was still drinking, I dealt with it more easily.       At one meeting I heard a longtime Al-Anon member say, "You will need to follow this program for the rest of your life."  What a shock!  I couldn't believe it.  My plan was to get the quick cure and be gone.  It took a couple of months for me to get over the idea that I might attend meetings and read literature for the rest of my days.      Our group glossed over the subject of detachment, so  my idea of it was to quit talking to my wife completely.  Obviously that was a big mistake.  The members of the group helped me understand I needed to detach from her with love.  At this point, even my wife thought I was a lot nicer person.       I went through a period in Al-Anon where I spent my waking hours wishing my wife would quit drinking.  This period of several months drained me physically and emotionally.  When I opened up and shared my feelings at meetings, the group took me to a new level of understanding.  My Higher Power's plan came into play, and my wife experienced some serious medical problems that led her to get sober.  Once she was sober, I felt completely lost as to what I should do next.  My Higher Power helped me realize I needed to continue working my own program while my wife worked hers.      I have been an Al-Anon member for over eight years now and my spouse has been sober for four.  What a miracle!  My wife could have died from alcohol, or suffered serious brain damage.  It is almost too good to be true.  I feel as though I have experienced the whole Al-Anon program, followed its guidance, and achieved the dream that everyone wants.  I have been so fortunate.      Of course, now I realize there are alcoholics on my side of the family, too.  I am amazed at the magnitude of alcoholism in today's world.  Al-Anon has opened my eyes to reality, and I am very grateful.

One night as I knelt in the chapel, I asked God to take my life because it was too unbearable to live one more day the way it was!  I believe God must have heard my desperation.  The next day, with more honesty than ever before, I spoke with my spiritual director.  I told him my story and how I was feeling.  The good priest recognized my despair and strongly suggested that I attend Al-Anon.      My lifestyle was just not working.  As a catholic nun, I was praying hard, working hard, and playing hard.  Although I was meditating and praying many times each day, only my body was in the presence of God.  The committee in my head was back in Ohio, at the family residence trying to change my past.      I was unaware that my thinking was just a little bit distorted and slanted slightly toward insanity.  I had lived with the disease of alcoholism in my early life and not it was affecting me in the present.  The survival skills of denial, anger, resentment, anxiety, obsession, and feelings of guilt that helped me cope with alcoholism in my family life did not work now in my daily life as a nun.      My daily prayers were not prayers, but marching orders for God.  I wanted Him to get family members to stop their obsessive drinking!  If He did that, then I felt I could live a guilt-free life.      Sometimes my prayers were angry and resentful toward God because He did not answer my prayers in my time or my way.  He just would not follow my directions.  Needless to say, while the committee in my mind was convening, God's words of compassion and love just went right over my head.      My survival tactics in the convent didn't work any better than they did back home.  I was in desperate need of an attitude adjustment.  I had become very sick emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  Thoughts of hopelessness were daily occurences.  I felt my life was not worth living.      My journey in Al-Anon was something I could never have prayed, wished, or dreamed would be possible.  It was no bed of roses--because things in my life did not change over night.  I'm glad I heard people share at meetngs that we did not get sick over night, so we cannot expect to get well over night.      I still had a problem with listening to God while I was in meditation.  A loving Al-Anon member gently whispered to me to take the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth.  It worked.  Thinking had become a problem for me.  My Sponsor told me to stay out of my head because it was a dangerous neighborhood to be in alone.  I heard to get busy helping others by doing service work both inside and outside of my home group.      I began to follow these good, orderly directions and learned to do the next right thing!  I focused on myself and started to work the Twelve Steps.  The Twelve Traditions became another source of healthy guidelines.  I got a loving Sponsor and used her in my daily life.  I listened to people share experience, strength, and hope in meetings.  Meetings were very important to my recovery.      It was then that great and exciting things began to happen for me.  I began to feel hopeful.  I learned how to let go of my alcoholic family.  Accepting my powerlessness over their lives, I released them!  I realized that the same loving God taking care of me each day would also be taking care of them!      I began listening to God during my meditation and following His loving direction.  I learned to get busy applying Al-Anon principles in my life, particularly when the committee in my head told me to do unhealthy things.  My attitude changed from being negative to wanting good things to happen to me and the people around me.       To that priest, wherever he is today, I would like to say a heartfelt, "Thank you."  He recommended a way of life that I would never have dreamed could happen to a little farm girl from Ohio.  Each day, my journey continues to be more exciting!      Today God and I walk together side by side.  When I greet the day, most of the time I am in step with God and do not give Him marching orders.  My reward for applying the principles of this program has been a deep spirituality.  This program, however, always reminds me that my character defects are never too far away.  If I stay close to Al-Anon, the program will stay close to me.  Today, thanks to Al-Anon, I feel happy and free.