Al-Anon Family Group

The Forum magazine articles - October 2004

The following articles from the October 2004 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.   For more articles, check The Forum archive.

After we recieved torrents of rain in just three days, we watched the flood waters approach our home.  The closer the water came to our doorstep, the more fearful and frustrated we became.  Looking out the window as the rain continued to fall, I felt as though each individual drop hit me right in the heart.  At that point, I had been in Al-Anon for about two years.      As the water started creeping into our house, we fought back as fast as possible.  We stuffed towels under the doors to soak up what rainwater we could.  At some point while my wife and I tried to control the uncontrollable, we happeded to look at each other.  Our awareness and acceptance of the powerlessness we experienced in this situation hit us at the same time.  We pulled up chairs, sat down facing each other, propped our feet on each other's chair, and watched the water in our home continue to rise.      As I sat there, I saw the similarities between trying to fight the slow progression of the flood in our house and dealing with active alcoholism.  My feelings about the slow progression of alcoholism invading our spiritual and emotional lives resembled the way I felt watching the flood waters overrun our house.      Instead of rainfall and rising water levels causing heartache, it was the falling levels of whiskey in bottles that hurt me.  Every drop my wife drank hit me in my heart.  Just as I tried to control the water as it invaded our house, I tried with all my might to fight the alcoholism that was destroying my family.  Until I found Al-Anon,  did not know that fighting alcoholism was an exercise in futility.      Sitting in my home that day, I thought about how much someone caught in a flooding whirlpool is like a person living with active alcoholism.  Without the help of Al-Anon, I would have continued spinning in circles while alcoholism sucked me down into that emotional and spiritual spiral.      Because Al-Anon members shared their experience, strength, and hope with me, I gained the courage and wisdom necessary to do things differently.  I still find myself going in circles from time to time, but eventually I move in a positive direction--now that I have Al-Anon.

While traveling to a nearby town for a Forum writing workshop, I was struck by the beautiful weather we were having in September.  We'd had very warm days and cool nights, perfect for enjoying the outdoors and very comfortable for sleeping.      Years before I joined the Al-Anon program, I hated September because I realized summer, my favorite season, was over and I hadn't enjoyed a bit of it.  The reason was I had focused so much on all the sickness in our home that 90 days of beautiful weather had compressed into one large blur.  Every day, rain or shine, was filled with stress, worry, sleeplessness, fatigue, and hatred of our situation.  There was no way to squeeze joy into that lifestyle.       After finding my way to the Al-Anon program, I began to focus on what I was doing, not on what the many alcoholics in my life were doing.  That was not easy to do.  It started with regular attendance at meetings.      A member shared in one of my first meetings that she did not allow the alcoholic to control her meeting or to deny her the opportunity to go to her meetings.  That idea stuck with me.  Many times I felt too upset to go to my meeting, or the alcoholic wasn't there to watch the children, but I learned to have a plan B.  My dad could baby-sit for an hour at the last minute, and I could go whether I was upset or not.       Later I realized how important it was to go when I wasn't feeling upset.  Something I said could help another member, the same way my Al-Anon friend helped me when she shared how she wouldn't allow others to deny her a chance to go to her meetings.  That early focus on satisfying my own needs continues today through my service work.  The more I'm involved in doing service, the more I get out of my program.

In order to avoid feeling hurt, I denied what was happening in my life and pretended that things weren't so bad.  I tried my best to be the perfect daughter, because I thought that would make everything okay.  It didn't.  I was afraid of my family, angry with my parents, and resented my non-drinking parent who wasn't home.      So no one would know of my pain, I tried to hide it by crying alone.  No one knew I hated the arguments and despised the bottle.  I felt lonely hiding the truth--which I kept from everyone including my brother, my sisters, and my friends.  I wore shame and accepted guilt that wasn't mine.  I believed I was responsible for the hell I was experiencing.  Life went on and I survived.      Today I know a different life because I came through the doors of Al-Anon and attended Al-Anon adult children meetings.  Now I can see the harm that came from my past.  I grew up too fast.  My childhood wasn't fun or spontaneous.  I didn't have a role model to show me the difference between right and wrong.  I guessed at what was normal.  I tried to be perfect so no one would notice me.  I developed an iron will and showed a lot of confidence.  Nothing scared me.  I tried anything.      I wore a mask of denial so no one would know what was really happening.  One day the mask ripped right up the middle and exposed my denial like a raw nerve.  That was the day I declared my life unmanageable.  That day I felt the trauma of growing up in an alcoholic home.      My parents never intended to hurt me, but I can no longer deny that they did.  That is where my Al-Anon recovery began.  Now I am helping myself fill the gaps from the past so I can continue growing up.  The God on my understanding guides me--along with the help of the slogans, the Steps, and the knowledge that alcoholism is a disease.      Al-Anon adult children meetings have helped me understand why my childhood was bad.  I accepted burdens that weren't mine, and now I can give them to their rightful owners and move on.  I'm growing with the Al-Anon program and starting to live again!