Al-Anon Family Group
Al-Anon Family Group
When I first came to Al-Anon, my self-esteem had plummeted to a record low. Most of my life I thought I was my character defects. Today I know that my poor self-image, which formed in my childhood, was just one of the effects of the disease of alcoholism. As an adult, being married to an alcoholic did little to raise my self-esteem. My husband always told me if my friends knew what I was really like, they wouldn't think so highly of me. Secretly, I feared he might be right.
As time went on, no matter how far the scales tipped, they never seemed to be in my favor. Unknowingly, I became the judge and jury at my own trial. Throughout the years there were many character witnesses for my defense, but the evidence they presented wasn't nearly as convincing as the prosecution.
Gradually through working the Steps, I came to realize that my biased judgment was just that. It was not the truth. In Al-Anon, I received encouragement to weigh the evidence, and when I did I found that just the opposite is true.
Today, I know I am unique in all God's creation and that I cannot be replaced. There is no one else who looks exactly like me. No one has my exact mix of genes and chromosomes. No one can duplicate my background and experiences. No one shares my special brand of intellect. No one expresses creativity exactly the same way I do. No one has the same talents and potential. No one shares my wit and humor--and definitely no one else in the entire universe can match my laugh! And what's more--everywhere I go I carry the proof of my uniqueness with me in my fingerprints.
Raising my self-esteem is not an easy thing to do because it involves going against some strongly held beliefs, but with the help of meetings, literature, the Steps, and sponsorship, I am slowly learning to love, value, and accept myself just as I am. No matter what else I may believe about myself today, I know that I am a child of God. My character defects, which loomed so large before I came to Al-Anon, simply serve as reminders that temporarily I forgot whose child I really am.
| When
someone asked me to be chairperson of an Al-Anon meeting, a feeling of
panic came over me immediately. To chair the meeting, I knew I
would
have to be honest and candid about myself, and that idea frightened me.
I had originally started attending meetings after reading an Al-Anon pamphlet that described the turmoil going on in my home. I was content just to listen and I hoped someone would tell me how to make my home life better. I had looked at the truth about my own life only a few times. Quiet moments were very uncomfortable for me. If there was a lull in a conversation, I always hurried to fill it. My only breaks during stressful periods were early morning walks on the beach when I stopped to sit in the dunes. During these respites, the ocean washed away my problems. The sea replaced my worries with enough peace of mind to carry me through. Convinced that I was a martyr, I never looked honestly at my own role in our family as it was falling apart. After exhausting every excuse, I sat in silence for what seemed like eternity. I confronted one truth, but couldn't look any further. My facade seemed very obvious and the pain of owning up to it overwhelmed me. Three days went by before I had the courage to look at my feelings again. On the day of the meeting, I shared how I felt and asked someone else to please take over. I knew the process of getting to know myself was going to be slow, Sarcasm, subtle put downs, and expressing my anger at innocent people were only a few of the actions I needed to admit to myself and my loved ones. It has been a constant process of discovery as I learn about my talents and good deeds, as well as my failures and resentments. These discoveries usually appeared when I stopped talking and started listening. The process remains difficult, but the feelings that come with it are bearable and sometimes exhilarating. Eventually I agreed to be chairperson for our meeting and to practice the honesty that goes along with it. |
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At first when I think of the slogan, "How Important Is It?" it seems to make everything unimportant, but that's not really what it says. The purpose of the question is to help me establish something's value. Before Al-Anon, I would always take the passive side of any issue. If another person showed passion or anger in a dispute, I capitulated. One day in an argument I heard my God say, "Put your dukes up." I've learned there are things worth fighting for. I've learned not to let myself be bullied. I ask myself "How important is it?" so I can know what things are important to me. I want to remember that I don't have to be wrong for another person to be right and that might doesn't make right. What I have understood from the Traditions is that all of us have a right to our own opinions and to the truth as we see it. I have also concluded that it is possible for the minority voice to have the appropriate answer for group harmony. In our home we have put these ideas into practice in family situations. We try to sit down together before a holiday event or a vacation and have each person state what is most important to her or him. Then we try to incorporate these things and leave off the unimportant ones. I have learned in Al-Anon to say what I mean, to mean what I say, and to avoid making idle threats. To me this is another way of answering the question, "How important is it?" When I first got here, I had very little understanding of who I was or what I wanted. I was too busy finding out who you were and what you wanted. This slogan forces me to look at my own truth, to look at what I really want, what I really need, what's acceptable to me, and what isn't. It helps me tell the difference between the molehills and the mountains. When I do that, I find I waste a lot less energy on things that don't really matter to me, and I have a lot more serenity. |