Al-Anon Family Group

The Forum magazine articles - November 2004

The following articles from the November 2004 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.   For more articles, check The Forum archive.

My husband and I had been in couples counseling for several months when our psychologist suggested I try Al-Anon.  My husband was not an alcoholic and my father, who was an alcoholic, had died over ten years earlier.  My father's alcoholism, the fact that I no longer lived with an active alcoholic, and the issues between my husband and me seemed to have little in common.      After several weeks of hearing the psychologist repeatedly suggest I attend Al-Anon, I seriously considered the idea.  I looked up Al-Anon in the phone book and got a meeting list.  There were meetings every night of the week, but I zeroed in on a meeting for Al-Anon adult children.      Butterflies filled my stomach as I drove to my first meeting.  My anxiety grew.  By the time I climbed the steps to the meeting room, all of the emotions I had pushed down for so many years poured out.  I entered the room in tears and sat down in a chair apart from the other members.  A man walked over to me, took my hand, and led me to a seat next to a woman.  She was kind, comforting, and encouraging, and she said I was in the right place.      In spite of feeling uncomfortable, I continued attending meetings.  For several months, I cried uncontrollabley.  Soon the fog began to lift.      I realized how much my father's drinking had impacted my actions and attitudes toward life, my husband, and my marriage.  More than ten years after my father's death, I was managing my life the same way I had managed the alcoholic situation.  I couldn't figure out why it no longer worked.      In Al-Anon I learned to my surprise that the problems between my husband and me weren't entirely his fault.  I was a finger-pointer, never considering that anything I did might contribute to our difficulties.      Now I realize I had a part in the breakdown of our marriage.  With the help of the program and my Sponsor, I'm working to keep the focus on myself.  The positive changes I've experienced in my marriage and in every aspect of my life amaze me.

When I was in crisis because I discovered my husband was having an affair, my therapist's gentle insistence brought me to my first Al-Anon meeting.  We had what I thought was a good marriage, so I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me.  More significantly, however, this was the second time a long-term partner had been unfaithful.  The first time it happened, I could righteously blame my boyfriend for being a jerk and unworthy of me, but when it happened a second time, I felt I played some part in what happened.      During my first visit to the therapist, she suggested my husband was an alcoholic and that I might benefit from Al-Anon.  I didn't go to Al-Anon that first week, but when she suggested it again on my second visit, I still felt desperate so I decided to go to a meeting.       The first meeting I attended was not a successful experience.  When I entered the church basement, I saw a large group of sad people sitting around talking about God and how awful their lives were.  Well, at that point I was not ready to hear about any kind of Higher Power.      The gloomy stories depressed me so I thought, "How could these people help me?"  They added, however, that newcomers should attend six different meetings.  Apparently each meeting had its own character and since I still didn't have any answers, I went to another group.  Thank goodness I did!  It was a small meeting comprised of empathetic, happy, supportive people about my age.  I immediately felt hope that there might be something there for me.      Coming home from my second meeting, I read the pamplet, Alcoholism, a Merry-Go-Round Named Denial (P-3), and I couldn't believe what I was reading!  It described my part in the whole cycle of my husband's drinking.  Until then, I'd never thought of myself as nagging, manipulative, or enabling, but when I read how the vicious cycle of denial works, I was stunned.  Here was something I could do.  I could try to stop my enabling bahaviors and learn more about the disease of alcholism.  I knew then that if I wanted to get better, Al-Anon had something I could learn.       Al-Anon has changed my life and the lives of my family.  I have learned why addicts always attracted me, why I grew up with low self-esteem.  Now I have a better understanding of who I am and what I want out of life.  Before I came to Al-Anon, I didn't take good care of myself and I didn't pray.  Al-Anon has given me a Higher Power and a realistic view of the world and my role in it.      Three years later, my husband and I are still together.  He's been sober for several months and is actively working his program.  I'm happy for him, but I know my recovery has to be the priority in my life whether he's sober or not.  We have a real chance to make our marriage work, but if I hadn't gone to Al-Anon we would not be at this point in our lives.  I love this program and will always be grateful to my therapist for suggesting that I try Al-Anon.

I've learned a lot about forgiveness recently, including how it affects my outlook on almost everything.  Until I forgive others for what I think they've done to me and forgive myself for my behavior, actions, and thoughts, it seems like I can't move forward with my life.  But how do I forgive?      It seems I always want to heal everything with a snap of the fingers or a blink of the eyes--but it doesn't happen that way.  Healing is a process, not an event.  For me, forgiveness develops over time.  It doesn't happen instantaneously.      I've been in Al-Anon for a number of years and recently I completed another Fourth Step.  This one was rather brief.  My purpose was to deal with a specific relationship that I hadn't been able to let go.      When I sat down at my Sponsor's house to share my Fifth Step, I felt amazed at how powerful the experience was for me.  What I learned was startling.  After all these years in recovery, I couldn't believe I was still trying to manipulate other people.  This was definitely a character defect that I was ready to have my Higher Power remove.  Until then, I couldn't see how much this defect affected my serenity.      When my Sponsor and I worked together on Steps Six and Seven, the forgiveness I so desperately wanted seemed to be in my heart.  As a result of working the Steps, I could feel it.  Since then, I have felt lighter.  I've been able to pray for the other people involved, knowing that is all I can do.  I know my Higher Power will take care of them, and it is not up to me to make their lives better.  It is not my job to make them see the error of their ways, or to try to change them in any way.      I am still learning to "Let Go and Let God," which seems to be my lesson for this year.  I am learning to trust the process, rather than having to know what the end result will be.  That is true growth for me, and I feel grateful for what I've learned so far.