Al-Anon Family Group

The Forum magazine articles - November 2003

The following articles from the November 2003 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.   For more articles, check The Forum archive.

In Courage to Change (B-16) I read on page 72, "When faced with other people's destructive attitudes and behavior, I can love their best, and never fear their worst." This observation pretty much sums up the lessons I've learned from five years in Al-Anon.       Full of anger and fear when I came into the program, I felt as though someone had ripped my life apart. My youngest, my beloved 19-year-old son, was abusing alcohol and drugs and destroying our family life.       A sober acquaintance told me, "Save yourself.  You can't save him.  Only he can do that.  Join Al-Anon." He went on to explain that when he was using and abusing alcohol nothing--not his parents' love, their pleading, or even wild horses--could stop him from using.  "You can't stop him," he said, "but you can help yourself emotionally."  I listened to him and looked for an Al-Anon meeting in my city.       What I found was a program where I could immerse myself.  This immersion gave me serenity, tranquility, and emotional stability.  The tools of detachment, gratitude, the Twelve Steps, Traditions, and Concepts of Service made me into a better person than I was before.  I'm so much calmer and more rational now.  I'm a kinder person than I used to be before I came to Al-Anon.  I've worked on my character flaws and experienced some success.  I've learned how to make decisions, instead of reacting to situations.  Today I can listen to what other people have to say and mind my own business.       My life is not only serene, but I feel contented.  My happiness does not depend on my son's drinking or sobriety. Life is good.  I have a program that gives me tools to enrich my everyday living. They also help me in dealing with my son. The anger I felt toward him and life in general is gone.  Instead I have a loving, kind, yet detached relationship with my son.      Sometimes I feel I have to start over again every day with Step One, but working the Twelve Steps has given me such strength.  Life is never easy. Bad things still happen, but I know I can and will handle whatever comes my way.  Although I would never want my son to be an alcoholic, I am grateful to him because without him and his drinking I would never have found Al-Anon.  I have a wonderful life.  I love my son and feel confident that I can face the present and the future without fear.

The topic at a recent meeting of my home group was the slogan, "Easy Does It." I must confess I never used the slogans a lot in my recovery, although I'm not sure why.  They make so much sense in a meeting, but outside the meeting they just don't come to mind.  I listened intently to all of the sharings that night, but did not think a lot more about the slogan as I left the meeting.  One more time my Higher Power gave me what I needed.  As I was on my way to work the next morning, I thought about all the work that would be waiting for me--because I had been off for a couple of days.  After taking time off, I normally come back to work with anxiety and dread about all the things I have to accomplish.  Of course, I think I have to do everything within the first hour I am there!       "Easy Does It" came into my mind and made me think of all the wonderful things people had shared the night before.  As I arrived at work, I took a deep breath without feeling overwhelmed.  When I started working, "Easy Does It" kept coming into my mind.  I slowed myself down and even started to think of some of the other slogans.       Each time I thought of a slogan, I thanked my Higher Power for giving me what I needed just when I needed it.  It is amazing when I use the tools of this wonderful program and "Keep It Simple" how much better my life works.  I have used the slogan, "Easy Does It," several times in the past couple of weeks since my meeting.  What a gift!

By applying the Fourth and Tenth Steps, I have discovered how to reduce the number of lies I hear in my everyday life.  Step Four says, "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."  Step Ten states, "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it."       During the active years with the alcoholic, I would arrive home, smell the alcohol, and observe the physical characteristics that were familiar whenever the alcoholic drank.  I would then ask the obvious question, "Have you been drinking?" The alcoholic would answer no and I would immediately feel offended and insulted by the response.       During this period, I frequently asked the obvious of our children as well--such as, "Did you do this?"  As was my norm, I took offense again and felt insulted when their responses were less than truthful.       By sharing with Al-Anon members at meetings and applying the Twelve Steps to my life, I began to understand my role in these deceptions.  I believe my loved ones frequently intended to please me with their untrue answers, or they responded that way because they felt I was intimidating them.  These experiences have helped me learn to avoid asking questions when I already know the answers.       Through a better understanding of my role in communicating with people, I am pleased to encounter far fewer lies in all of my relationships.  It is amazing how those around me appear to grow when I apply the Twelve Steps to my own life.