Al-Anon Family Group

The Forum magazine articles - May 2006

The following articles from the May 2006 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.  For more articles, check The Forum archive.  
 

 

I walked into my first Al-Anon meeting seven weeks ago in indescribable pain.  I sat silently through the Monday meeting.  For the next four days, I showed up at noon and took a chair.  By my fifth meeting, my pain had turned to numbness.  All week I was listening to people talk about their lives, their pain, their chaos, and how they dealt with those things.  I felt surrounded by the love of strangers, which lifted me out of my isolation.      On Friday during the meeting, I shared about talking with my father the night before.  I told my father that after 90 days I wouldn’t be sending any more money to help support him.  During the conversation I remained calm, stood my ground, and focused on my own needs.      I’ve attended a meeting every day—sometimes twice a day—since my first meeting, and my numbness has turned to joy.  I understand my insanity and that my Higher Power has to be the one to remove it.  Now I know I don’t have to live in chaos.  I can experience peace and work on today.  I’ll work on tomorrow when tomorrow is today.

 

Shame differs from guilt.  Guilt can be a healthy tool for growth.  It lets me know where I need to change my behavior and possibly make amends to myself and others.  Shame, on the other hand, hurts me at a fundamental level.  Until I began letting go of the shame I felt for my family’s circumstances, I couldn’t begin to heal.      The shame I felt came from believing other people’s judgments of me.  Living with two alcoholic parents and a brother who was mentally ill, I experienced shame from criticism, neglect, invalidation, humiliation, contempt, ridicule, and the daily chaos that reinforced my feelings of being unworthy of a stable, loving family.  Shame affected the way I felt about who I am.  It cut to my very core.  Shame threatened my right to exist.      The emotional fallout from my parents’ diseases was harsh.  Secrecy enveloped the household.  The secrets were not only about drinking, but also had to do with four infants my parents had given up for adoption.  The secrecy and shame led me to withdraw, hide, and pretend to be normal.  When I was in that emotionally dead place, I felt unworthy and unlovable.  It was a miracle—which I now understand to be the grace of my Higher Power—that I found Al-Anon.  In the meetings I saw a tiny sliver of hope that I, too, was a beloved child of God and deserved a happy, serene life.      Through the loving acceptance of Al-Anon members and the security of anonymity, as well as reading Al-Anon literature daily and sharing with my Sponsor, I began to cast off my shame and take an honest look at my character traits.  In hindsight I realize working Steps Four and Five healed my shame.  Now that I’ve admitted my mistakes and shortcomings to God, myself, and another human being, I keep shame from taking root and I deal with appropriate feelings of guilt through daily attention to Step Ten.      Today I have serenity.  I share freely and honestly.  The greatest blessing I’ve received from Al-Anon was the courage to contact my four siblings.  They accepted me as unconditionally as my Al-Anon sisters and brothers do.  My siblings and I are joyfully building loving relationships.  It’s never too late.