Al-Anon Family Group

The Forum magazine articles - May 2005

The following articles from the May 2005 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.
 

 

My mom, my daughters, and I were taking a trip to see the sights.  As we traveled along the highway toward Chicago, we couldn’t see the tops of the skyscrapers through the fog.  We cruised around for a while before stopping to look at Lake Michigan.  The May Day sun was beginning to win the battle between moisture and blue sky as we parked the car.  I remembered learning that thick fog often loses the battle to a beautiful day, but it always seems so hopeless in the beginning.      The temperature began to rise as we walked on a concrete dock along the shore.  The building tops disrobed revealing their true height.  The beach was almost empty, except for an occasional jogger and a few die-hard volleyball players.  I kicked off my shoes and walked across the cool sand.  The others followed.  I knew the water would be cold, even though I had seen tulips beginning to bloom.  Spring in Chicago was weeks behind our spring back home.  Undaunted, I had to put my feet in the lake.  It was as cold as a glacier!      Jagged knives dug into my skin and begged me to get out of the water.  My ankles froze and my feet went numb, but I went in deeper.  My knees were begging for mercy.  Only when I moved did I feel anything, as if the moving itself caused the pain, so I remained still.  My senses dulled to the threat around them—a wondrous coping mechanism, I thought.      For a moment I stood there contemplating my surroundings.  Mom called to me, challenging me to come out of the cold blue lake.  I surrendered.  Each step out of the water and across the sand produced a new experience in pain—the air on my wet skin, coarse sand on my feet, blood fighting to raise my body temperature to 98.6.  Such was life.      I thought about the Serenity Prayer:  “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.”  Trying to change an alcoholic was like trying to warm Lake Michigan with my body heat!      In my case, going into the relationship with the alcoholic was appealing.  It was a challenge for sure, but I chose it.  As I went in deeper, I lost some of my senses.  Still, I continued trying to affect change, but all I felt when I moved was pain, so I stood still, waiting for the lake to get warm.  Maybe it would happen if I waited just a little longer.      It was only when someone encouraged me to save myself that I chose to do something different:  “Courage to change the things I can.”  Change brought on more pain!  Surrender my will to the will of a loving Higher Power?  I chose this!  Wasn’t I supposed to see the relationship through to the end?      Leaving the water was only a response to a greater call, and it did not make me a failure.  If the lake’s temperature was going to rise, it needed a Power greater than mine.  I don’t need to have all the answers.      The Al-Anon program has given me tools to survive the pain:  “And wisdom to know the difference.”  I won’t escape the pain, but I can survive it.  The program calls me to take care of myself by giving my life to a Power greater than myself.  Nothing is bigger than my God.  He can burn away the fog and bring the infinite sky into full view.

 

When I was a young girl, my mother greeted my siblings and me each morning with the words, “Something wonderful is going to happen today.”  Many years passed before I started attending Al-Anon meetings, got a Sponsor, and worked the Steps.  Al-Anon helped me admit my true feelings for my mother.  I made amends and freed myself from the unspoken feelings of my childhood.      One day in my adulthood my mother told me that she had been fearful every day of her life since she was seven years old.  I was shocked because my mother was 85 at the time.  Then I realized the role fear had played in our lives.  I also realized I had masked my feelings thinking, “Everything is going to be wonderful.”  That thought helped me through many days.      Through this experience, I faced some facts.  My mother grew up in a home with serious problem-drinking.  She transferred her experiences, ideas, and thoughts about life to me.  In Al-Anon, I learned how to turn my past experiences into positive living.  I allow those around me the dignity to do, say, and be whatever they need to do, say, and be.  That’s what a loving God wants from me.      Working Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps and following some good orderly direction has helped me reflect on, understand, and remember that mothers are a blessing.  I thank God for the opportunity to look at myself in God’s light, with the help of the Twelve Steps, a caring Sponsor, sponsees, and the fellowship.  Al-Anon has helped me realize that thinking, “Something wonderful is going to happen today,” is a special way to start my day.

 

My family’s efforts to help the alcoholic included dumping alcohol and telling the alcoholic what he should do to stop drinking.  He eventually agreed to see a counselor, but stopped going after a few visits.  When the alcoholic quit attending meetings, I called his counselor for advice because I didn’t know what else to do.  The counselor was out of town, so I decided to cope with the situation myself.      Everyone in our family was unhappy.  It seemed as though we had given up on the alcoholic.  Before I looked into the possibility of committing the alcoholic to a treatment center, I decided to call the counselor again.  I reached his answering machine and hung up without leaving a message.  The counselor called me an hour later asking if he could help me with anything.      I told the counselor I needed help deciding what to do with the alcoholic.  The counselor asked if I had ever attended Al-Anon.  I told him I hadn’t because I thought the alcoholic was the one who needed help.  The counselor suggested I attend an Al-Anon meeting as soon as possible.  He told me to listen for ten minutes.  He said I didn’t even have to stay, I just needed to try it.  That seemed simple enough, so I picked a group that met on the other side of town where there would be little chance of someone recognizing me.  Why hadn’t I thought of that before?      During my first meeting, I realized there were other people who had experienced the effects of living with alcoholism.  What a relief!  Everyone in the group was friendly and non-judgmental.  They welcomed me and gave me a list of phone numbers in case I needed to talk to someone between meetings.  I was afraid of what the alcoholic would say when he found out where I had been, but felt peaceful knowing Al-Anon could help me.       Since that first meeting, I haven’t missed one and my life has gotten better.  In retrospect, I realize that I was the one who needed help.  With my Higher Power, I move forward more than I move backward—even though I still have more to learn.

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