Al-Anon Family Group

The Forum magazine articles - May 2003

The following articles from the May 2003 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.  For more articles, check The Forum archive.

It is very important for longtimers to share how we still have to use the Al-Anon tools and practice this program on a daily basis.  Recently I moved my 86-year-old mother, who has Alzheimer's Disease, into a nursing home.  For six months I tried to take care of her in my home.  I knew this was not healthy for either of us, because of what I had learned in Al-Anon.      I was tired from working a full time job with overtime and I knew I had to feel the pain and grief in my heart to do what was best.  I talked with my sponsor, went to lots of meetings, and prayed.  Finally the day came when I had to let go of my mother and do what was best for us.      My mother stood in the hall outside her new room and begged me not to leave her.  If my Higher Power, whom I call God, had not walked down that hall and out of the building with me that day, I couldn't have done it.      Do I have pain in my life?  Yes, I still feel the pain from time to time, but I know I will get through this with the help of my Higher Power and the tools of my Al-Anon program.  For this, I am so grateful.

Over the past year I have grown in some areas, thanks to working the Al-Anon program.  In other areas I am still struggling.  One of the things I learned this year was to give myself permission again to feel my feelings of loss, pain, and grief.      The terrorist attack on September 11th brought back so many familiar and frightening feelings for me.  Several years ago my husband died in a plane crash.  It happened during a business trip in the wintertime.  His plane went down and was not found until the following summer.      As the horror of events unfolded on September 11th, I relived each emotion I felt years ago.  After the first few days, I told myself I was doing just fine.  I focused my energies on praying for the loved ones' families and my country.  After a few weeks of denial, I started to feel depressed.  An overwhelming feeling of sadness covered me like a gray cloud.  I tried to talk myself out of it by saying I had no right to feel that way, because so many other people were suffering.      I expected comfort and understanding from my own family but I didn't get what I expected.  Finally on the anniversary of my husband's death in November, I started to address what was going on with me.  After talking to my sponsor, praying, going to many meetings, and listening to others share, I could hear the lessons that this experience taught me.      First I followed the suggestion to read page two in the Courage to Change book.  I read it over and over until finally the idea clicked.  There was a place I could go to seek comfort, understanding, and help--Al-Anon!  It still amazes me how long it takes me to realize what is right in front of my face.  Even though I had been coming to Al-Anon for quite a few years, I learned it is okay to acknowledge my feelings.      So many years of living with active alcoholism taught me to hide and deny whatever I felt.  Al-Anon teaches me that my feelings are just that--my feelings.  I can experience them and acknowledge them but I don't have to let them rule my life.  During times of grief and stress when the same feelings return, I've learned there are positive things I can do.  I can rely on my Al-Anon friends to share their joy of living just for today, which is contagious.  I can reach out and share with others who are hurting, too.  I can write about my feelings, talk with my sponsor, and I can seek out my Higher Power.      My heart goes out to all those who lost their loved ones on September 11th or any other day.  The only thing I know for sure is it does get better, one day at a time.

When the alcoholic in my life entered a treatment center for the first time, we attended a family session with her counselor.  He told me I should go to Al-Anon.      I had heard of Al-Anon, but I didn't have a clue what it was about or how to find it.  Because I wanted to show this person how self-sacrificing I was, I said I'd go.  He further sweetened the pot by saying, "You're going to have quite a time in Al-Anon."  The added spice from his challenge was all I needed.      From a meeting list that he gave me I chose a location about 20 miles from home.  I didn't want to meet anyone I knew.  I arrived half an hour early.  No one was there.  I drove around the block several times until I saw cars arrive, and I waited in my car until I saw other people go into the building.      People at my first Al-Anon meeting showed me more love that I knew existed.  They told me I never needed to be alone again, that I didn't cause the disease, and I couldn't control or cure it.  Most important, they said I didn't have the power to cause a relapse.      For my next meeting I got up enough courage and enthusiasm to try a group near my home.  Sure enough, I saw someone I knew from my work.  I almost turned around and walked out, but then it struck me that my Higher Power was involved in this!  If my coworker was there, she must have the same problems I did, so she wasn't going to point any fingers at me.      That was over 13 years ago.  It would be nice to say everything has gone smoothly since then but this is a true story, not a fairy tale.  There have been many ups and downs, including relapses on both sides.  While I know I didn't cause my family member to relapse, I have learned that I probably contributed to it.  The overall trend, however, is upward.  Today we are both in recovery and that is all that matters.  This program saved my life.  The counselor was right when he said, "You should go to Al-Anon.  You're going to have quite a time there."