Al-Anon Family Group

District 12 of Southern Illinois

The Forum magazine articles - May 2002

The following articles from the May 2002 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA. For more articles, check The Forum archive.

My Progress Became Clear
Vicki E., New York

      When I came into the Al-Anon program, the thoughts and behaviors of the alcoholic consumed me. As I continued to come to meetings, I learned to take the focus off the alcoholic and look at myself.
     As I worked the Steps, especially the Fourth Step, I found myself. I discovered who I was. I grew to see myself as lovable, valuable, and important.

     My progress in the program became clearer as I learned how to detach from the behaviors of the alcoholic. I no longer took things said or done as personal attacks on me, but I began to see the disease as something separate. I found I could take steps that were necessary to detach myself from unacceptable behavior. I no longer allowed angry words and accusations to draw me into a conflict, and I looked upon the alcoholic with compassion instead of resentment.

     The Al-Anon program has given me tools to help me accept the things I cannot change and to change the things I can. I know I can only change myself. As I worked my Fourth Step, I saw my own part in my problems, and the program gave me tools to change. I am changing more and more, one day at a time.

     I continue to work on accepting the things I cannot change. I've also learned that I do not have to accept unacceptable behavior. I have the right and even the responsibility to take care of myself. When the alcoholic in my life became violent, I knew I needed to take certain steps to stay safe. I would not have been able to do that before I came to this program.

     I have come to accept my situation as it is. I seek my Higher Power's guidance, direction, and strength to know what I need to do next. The key is trusting my Higher Power to lead me in my decisions and entrusting the results of my choices to His care also.

     I know I can trust my Higher Power. Remembering how He has led me so far, even when I wasn't aware of it, helps me to know He'll continue to lead me now. I am so grateful to God for leading me to Al-Anon.

I Felt Transformed
Barbara E., Arizona

      Before joining an Al-Anon group and working with a sponsor, I prayed something like this: "Dear God, when will he stop?" Or I said, "Okay, God, here's the deal. If you help us get through tonight's party without an incident, I promise I won't bother you again for a long time."
     Today I realize these weren't prayers. I was simply pleading, bargaining, and promising--the same way I communicated with everyone. I certainly wasn't trying to improve my conscious contact with, or develop a deeper understanding of, my Higher Power.

     When I began practicing Step Eleven, my lack of knowledge and experience with prayer and meditation became obvious. My sponsor suggested that I become willing to let go of old ideas and open myself to new ones. In this way I began to discover what Step Eleven really means.

     I wasn't too sure what was supposed to happen during meditation. It took some experimenting to find the style of meditation that felt comfortable to me. For quite a while it didn't feel like anything was happening. I didn't notice any special sights or sounds, and I still don't know when the changes began to occur.

     The more I prayed and meditated on a regular basis, the more often a feeling of calm, peace, and stillness came over me as I went about my day. Eventually I came to realize that a wonderful process was taking place in my mind. I felt transformed. It was as though I was looking at my life from a whole new perspective. This new point of view contained a noticeable amount of grace and tolerance.

     As my recovery in Al-Anon continues to progress, it is important for me to integrate prayer and meditation with personal honesty. By doing so, I have been able to use my daily program to seek God's will for me and the power to carry it out.

Real Progress
Christine L., New York

On a Tuesday morning in early spring I was getting ready for my evening Al-Anon meeting. The daffodils under my backyard pear tree were still in tight little buds, but I wanted to have flowers on the table for our meeting. So what did I do?

I went outside and picked eight or ten budded stems and placed them in a vase filled with warm water. The warm water was to force the buds open in time for our meeting. Of course, as I was doing this I had no idea that I was trying to control God's timing--forcing a solution to my problem. I kept changing the water in the vase until yellow flowers began to appear.

When I arrived at my home group meeting, I placed the open daffodils in the center of our table and hugged a few people. The meeting started with the Serenity Prayer and our usual opening. The women who read from Courage to Change and One Day at a Time also shared their experience, strength, and hope, and then it was my turn.

I decided to mention that I had picked these flowers for the meeting. My sponsor lovingly mentioned something about forcing solutions, or in this case, daffodils, and getting ahead of God--or not letting God open the flowers the way they were meant to bloom. Wow! That statement from her was a light bulb going on--a new awareness. Yes, I accepted what she said and felt I really needed to look at my behavior. I asked myself, "Was I trying to play God, forcing things to go my way?"

Since that spring day a couple of years ago, I have made real progress. I did a Fourth Step shortly afterward and a few months later I sat with my sponsor and did a Fifth Step. I'm thankful that she and other Al-Anon members loved me enough to tell me what I needed to hear so I could grow. By receiving awareness and experiencing acceptance of this defect in my character, I could begin to take action to correct it! Now it is easier for me to let go and let God. I'm truly learning that recovery for me means progress, not perfection.