Al-Anon Family Group

The Forum magazine articles - March 2005

The following articles from the March 2005 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.   For more articles, check The Forum archive.

An hour before my party guests are due to arrive, I remember the sliding door makes an awful noise whenever someone opens or closes it.  Since guests will be moving in and out, the squeaky door, which really sounds more like a shriek, will be annoying.  I decide this is a problem and it's time to fix it.      I get the oil, squirt some on the metal runner near the floor, and push the door back and forth.  There's no change.  I apply more oil and repeatedly open and close the door.  There's still no change.  Then I remember the slogan, "Think."  So I wipe oil all over the metal runner, but the squeak continues.  All my efforts have produced no result at all.      My anger simmers, but another slogan bubbles in my brain, "Easy Does It."  I also think if I keep doing what I'm doing, I'll keep getting what I'm getting.  Then I remember, "How Important Is It?"  I look at the door one more time and take a deep breath.  So what, if the door squeaks.  With all the party noise and chatter, does it really matter?      I have choices.  I can choose to be upset and frustrated or I can choose to remain calm.  Remembering "First Things First," I busy myself with party preparations and then enjoy the party.      After everyone leaves, I sit down to relax.  Looking at the sliding door again, I discover it has two runners--one at the top and one at the bottom.  Oiling the bottom runner was ineffective, but when I add oil to the top runner the squeak disappears immediately.  As usual, I was forgetting to look for solutions at a higher level!      Although the alcoholic in my life has moved on, I still need Al-Anon.  The slogans especially help me to let go of irritations and maintain serenity, "One Day at a Time."

When I married and escaped the violence and insanity of my childhood, I thought I was free.  Of course I never lost my intense need to control everything and please everyone.  I was suicidal, resentful, and suffered from depression.  Even though I was beautiful, educated, successful, and well-liked, privately I was as fearful as I had been as a child.      My husband walked away from me after 22 years of marriage.  My world came apart, the walls shattered, and I felt utterly exposed.  It was the support of a good therapist that helped me endure the following months.  Little by little he guided me toward Al-Anon.  My denial and defenses were so strong that it took well over a year before I accepted his wisdom.  That's when I finally heard him say for the first time, "It's the pain from your alcoholic childhood home that's hurting you now."  How could that be?  I hadn't lived at home for 22 years.  Since I was in therapy trying to survive the loss of my marriage, how could my childhood be the cause of all my pain?       The therapist went on to tell me about a program that has helped many children of alcoholics.  I trusted him so much that I found an open meeting and went with some of my friends.  Sitting in the large room, I politely listened as one young woman's sharing struck me--she told my life story.  She had experienced fear, violence, terror, and insanity in her childhood, too.  However, the difference between us was that she seemed happy and serene, and I wasn't.      A week later, I was having a difficult time.  I knew I couldn't make it through another night on my own, so I took the list of meetings, grabbed my purse, went out the door, got into the car, and panicked.  I got out of the car, got back in the car, and turned the key.  When I arrived at the meeting place, me desire to live enabled me to walk through those doors.  I sat quietly until the end of the meeting when the Chairperson announced that the group saved the last five minutes for newcomers.  Some friendly faces turned toward me and I started to speak.  Tears of relief poured out and when I finished sharing, I heard, "You are in a safe place.  This is the program for you.  Keep coming back."       That was over 15 years ago.  The peace and understanding of this wonderful program saved my life.  I've relied on Al-Anon wisdom to help me through life's challenges and I have appreciated the rewards.  Al-Anon has supported me during my darkest and saddest times.  It has also provided me with great fun and simple pleasure in fellowship with others.      I often say with a chuckle, "Where would I be without Al-Anon?"  I don't even want to imagine.  I am so grateful to have it in my life.

 

When I started attending Al-Anon, I was in a verbally abusive relationship with a recovering alcoholic.  I felt unloved, unwanted, and alone.  My previous relationship was with a practicing alcholic who lived in his car.  I was desperate for a solution, willing to try anything.      My Sponsor encouraged me to accept a service commitment and to start working on the Steps immediately.  Working Step One, I realized that Al-Anon had the potential to drastically alter my attitudes, relationships, and the course of my life.  That's exactly what happened.      As I worked Steps Two and Three, I learned to depend on a Higher Power for every detail of my life.  I wrote my life story in Step Four and shared all my secrets with God and my Sponsor in Step Five.  I discovered my character defects, defined them, and asked God to remove them.  I made a list of people I had harmed, made amends, continued taking my inventory, and prayed and meditated.      My husband and I met a few years ago in our Friday night Al-Anon meeting.  I told him how to fulfill our meeting's "cookie commitment," and we hit it off.  We developed a close friendship based on mutual respect and caring, somthing I didn't realize was possible.  We married two years after we met and this is the happiest I've ever been.      My spiritual awakening was gradual.  It was a slow process of building faith in my Higher Power, trust in myself, and love for others.  As part of putting Step Twelve into action and carrying the message, I spent many months working with a committee to organize a Forum Writing Workshop.  I felt gratified seeing the workshop come together.      The Al-Anon program is a miraculous gift in my life and being a part of it is a blessing.  My recovery has been a journey of discovering myself.  Because of Al-Anon, I have six close women friends and I am a new person when I am out in the world now.  Everything good, true, and real in my life is a result of this program.