Al-Anon Family Group

The Forum magazine articles - March 2004

The following articles from the March 2004 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.   For more articles, check The Forum archive.

For the longest time I didn't feel I really needed Al-Anon.  The program was not actually doing anything for me--or so I thought.       I had a problem I totally ignored before I came to Al-Anon.  On a regular basis I was sick to my stomach.  Many times I woke up violently ill in the middle of the night.  The next day I felt fine and thought everything was okay.       After I was in the program for a year, I realized I no longer woke up ill during the night.  I also realized that the undo stress I had put myself under worrying about people, places, and things caused me to be ill.  Worrying about what I had no control over was frustrating and damaging to myself and those around me.       Occasionally I still think, "Should I be in Al-Anon or not?"  Eventually I always remember how it helped me sleep through the night.  When I think about it, there are more reasons than I can count for why I belong in Al-Anon.  I am constantly learning how to live a better life in this program.

 

As a child of the 1950s, I looked forward to Sunday nights when my grandmother and I watched a popular television program.  It was a weekly variety show from New York that featured comedians, puppets, circus acts, musicians, and singers.  I loved that TV show and enjoyed all of the entertainment it presented.  But there was one act that I could never understand.       A man would come out with ten willow sticks, each about eight feet long.  He put each of these willow sticks in a holder attached to the floor.  From a nearby table stacked high with white crockery he put one plate on top of the first stick and started it spinning.  Then he moved on to the next stick to start another, and then another.  When he had five or six plates spinning, the first one would start to wobble and he'd have to run back and correct it.  When he started the seventh plate spinning, he checked on the second one.  He constantly ran back and forth, checking for wobbling plates.  The whole process was nerve wracking, and even as a child I could not understand the entertainment value.       I was sitting in an Al-Anon meeting one night when that picture from the past hit me like a lightning bolt out of a clear blue sky.  It was what my life had become--a frightening spinning act that constantly wobbled out of control.  I learned to perform such a juggling act at an early age and then carried this faulty routine into my marriage.       When my children came along, I naturally stepped up my efforts to control.  I had so many plates or people in the air at one time that I had no chance to examine my own life.  And I didn't limit myself to my immediate family, either.  I spread out to parents, siblings, friends, and anyone who would let me.  I had so many plates spinning that I never had to look at myself.  I never had to examine how I felt about anything or how alcoholism had influenced my behavior.  I was too busy running back and forth stabilizing one wobbly plate and trying to spin another.       Finally it all came crashing down on my head, forcing me to look at the chaos and brokenness scattered all around--and my part in it.  I finally saw that I had no control over alcohol or the alcoholic and I never would.  All of my efforts to help were in shambles at my feet.       With the help of Al-Anon, I now have a healthier way to live.  I can set boundaries with relatives, friends, and everyone who comes into my life.  I am learning to take care of myself first, in a healthy way.  Then I can be there for others, not to control them or to take care of them, but to support them on their journey.  The journey is theirs, not mine.       Thank you, Al-Anon, for showing me a better way. I am truly a grateful member.

 

Blame has caused a lot of grief in my life.  For a while it was all that I did.  Either I blamed myself or I blamed others.       When I was young, I feel the blame rightly fell on my parents.  What happened to me as a child was out of my control.  As an adult, however, I'm to blame if I choose to remain in attitudes and situations that are not in my best interest.  I'm responsible for me now.       It's hard coming to terms with blame.  Questions run through my head such as, "Who was or is to blame?  How far does the blame go?  Where does the blame stop, or does it?  Is someone ever off the hook?  Where does blaming come from?"       I know there are times when I still blame others or myself.  Maybe it can be justified, but I know if I stay in a blaming frame of mind, I'll hurt myself and my recovery.       There is no way to undo the past.  I know because I've tried.  I thought if I got an apology it would make a difference, but I found out that apologies don't erase what's been done.       I can honestly say I have learned from both the good and the bad in my life.  They have helped me to appreciate what I have.  Can I say I'm happy for my painful past?  No!  I don't like what was done to me as a child, and I'm stuck with that history for the rest of my life.       I'm the one who has the nightmares, bad memories, and painful feelings.  I didn't ask for it.  I didn't want it to happen.  I don't like doing all the work to deal with it now, but it is what it is.  The way I see it I have two choices.  I can suffer or I can heal.  Either way it's painful, but at least now I can see there's hope in the healing choice!       For a long time I felt if my choice wasn't on the list of options, then I didn't have a choice.  Through recovery I realize that isn't true.  I see that I always have choices.  Sometimes my choice is on the list and most of the time it's not, but I still have a choice!  Even not choosing is a choice!       Blaming is endless and useless for me today.  It keeps me stuck in the past, and I choose not to live that way anymore.  Al-Anon has taught me I don't have to, because I deserve to have a good life.  Easy?  No way!  Painful?  Yes, but I believe I'm worth the time, trouble, and energy!