Al-Anon Family Group

The Forum magazine articles - March 2002

The following articles from the March 2002 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.  For more articles, check The Forum archive.

 

My planned trip was not working out very well.  I had flown several states away to meet the mother of my daughter's boyfriend.  When I asked her what her son was like when he was a younster, she nonchalantly said, "I never noticed.  I wasn't around very much."      This wasn't exactly what I expected to hear from someone's mother.  I also noticed that my "expectations" might not fit this situation.      Now I found myself stuck far from home with the whole weekend ahead.  I needed to talk to my sponsor.  In the morning I arose early and headed downstairs to the pay phones where I dialed endless numbers to make a long distance call with my calling card.      When the woman answered the phone with a sleepy "Hello," I began blurting out my problems without taking a breath.  When I eventually paused, this woman said, "Dear, you're not talking to the person you think you're talking to."  Then she let me know what number I had reached.  By reversing a four and a seven, I called the wrong area--but she was nice enough to wish me good luck anyway.      I felt much better after getting so much off my chest.  Isn't a Higher Power great?  A sponsor when I am in need, is a sponsor indeed!      Later, I learned my own sponsor had been out of town for the whole weekend.

 

Before learning how to feel better about myself in Al-Anon, I suffered from very low self-esteem.  In order to help me feel a little better about myself, I used to do a lot of volunteering in my community.  One year I chaired two different positions.  Without knowing it, I was nominated for the annual Angel Volunteer of the Year Award.  At the luncheon held to honor the recipients, I waited with anticipation to see who was going to win the prestigious award.  Never did I imagine that they would call my name.  I was so surprised and overwhelmed.  I cried tears of joy as they pinned the Angel Award on me and handed me a plaque with my name on it.  I felt so proud.  My husband was there too.  I was so sure he would finally be proud of me.  It felt wonderful.  I thought, "Maybe now things will be different."      But that very night, in a drunken rage, my husband called me a horrible name because there weren't any good snacks in the kitchen cupboard.  I realize now it was the disease talking, but since I wasn't in Al-Anon yet, all I knew was I had failed again by doing something wrong.  I felt shame and self-loathing.  The next day it was so hard to face the ladies where I volunteered.  They said, "Honey, your husband must be so proud of you," and I fought hard to hold back the tears.  No one knew what really went on in our home.  I smiled bravely, letting them all believe we were a happy couple--but inside I felt lonely, scared, fragile, and terrified that someone would find out the truth.      I put my plaque away where I couldn't see it, because to me it didn't say Angel Volunteer.  It said, "You aren't good enough."  A couple of months after the luncheon, when I realized my life was unmanageable, I joined Al-Anon.  It was the best gift I ever gave to myself!      In Al-Anon, I found a safe place to share my feelings with people who understood what it felt like to live in active alcoholism.  I made the commitment to work my Al-Anon program by attending meetings, getting a sponsor, working the Steps, and reading Conference Approved Literature.  Little by little, I began to find the me that had been so lost in the family disease of alcoholism.      In Al-Anon, I learned how to take the focus off the alcoholic and put it on me.  I learned how to own my part in our failing relationship.  For instance, I came to see that I was the one who allowed my husband to define me.  I came to realize that I had handed over my entire self-worth and self-esteem to a person who drinks, expecting him to be gentle with me.  That was unfair of me to place that burden on him.  I am learning in Al-Anon that I am responsible for my own self-esteem, self-worth, and happiness.      Thanks to Al-Anon, I am healing from the effects of living with active alcoholism for over 25 years.  After experiencing some spiritual awakenings as the result of working the Twelve Steps, I have come to know that I am good enough.      Today I am able to look at that plaque on my wall and see what it truly represents--recognition of some good things I did to help others in my community.  That is something I am really proud of.  These days I'm sharing my experience, strength, and hope within the community of Al-Anon as a way of giving back some of the gifts that I've received.  I can clearly see my true worth now and I owe it all to my recovery in Al-Anon.