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District 12 of Southern Illinois

The Forum magazine articles - June 2007


The following articles from the June 2007 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.  For more articles, check The Forum archive.  
 


Recognizing My Powerlessness
Released Me From My Anguish

Joan P., New Zealand

     Two weeks before my 60th birthday, I made an appointment to see our family doctor.  I'd been worried about the general state of my husband's health.  He was just not thriving--all he did was sit in front of the TV.  As I thought back, he hadn't been himself since the time of his retirement three years before.  I told my husband I was going to see our doctor and I expressed my concern about his general state of health.

     When I arrived, the doctor said straight out, "It's not yourself you have come to me about, it's your husband."  I replied, "Yes, he just isn't thriving and I'm worried about him."

     "Your husband is an alcoholic and if he doesn't stop drinking, he could die."

<>     I must have gone white.  I know I was quite speechless.  The doctor looked at me and said, "You are going to need some support."  He then fumbled around in the bottom drawer of his desk looking for something.  "Get in touch with Al-Anon," he instructed me.
     I'd never heard of Al-Anon and I had to ask him how to spell it.
     On my way home in the car, I kept telling myself to concentrate on the road and I managed to hold myself together until I got home.
     My husband asked me what the doctor had said.  I sat down opposite him and repeated work for word what the doctor had said.  Then I started to cry and I cried for the next 36 hours.
     When my crying abated enough for me to use the telephone, I phoned the Al-Anon General Service Office and cried while telling my story.
     I heard a calm voice say that she would send me a meeting list and some pamphlets.  She said I should get myself to a meeting and that I would find help there.
     Almost immediately, I received the meeting list and a wonderful pamphlet called, So You Love an Alcoholic.
     This pamphlet was exactly what I needed.  It told me very clearly what I should not do with regards to the alcoholic.  I credit that pamphlet for me not spoiling my relationship with my husband.  I could have so easily behaved like a loose cannon through the grief and emotional pain I was experiencing at the time.
     I arrived at my first meeting desperate.  I thought my husband was going to die and I had so little time.  I needed to quickly get him right.  I knew alcoholism was a disease, but that was all the information I had.  I did recognize that my state of mind was filled with despair.  One member gave me a little card with the Serenity Prayer printed on it, which I kept in my pocket like a lucky charm.
     Soon I recognized intellectually that I was powerless over my husband.  From time to time I would see our doctor about myself and he would inquire about how my husband was doing.  The doctor would reaffirm that all I could do for my husband was to be supportive and encouraging.
     It took ma a long time before I recognized that my support and encouragement was disguised as control.  Eventually I was able to "Let Go and Let God."  I started to leave the state I had been in for years and years and turn my attention to myself and the conundrum of the lifetime denial.
     It is my firm belief that working the programme saved me from a complete breakdown as my husband entered the last phase of the disease and started to suffer periods of irrationality and attempted suicide a couple of times.
     My husband would be hospitalized for a day or two and then released back into my care.  Eventually, I had to leave the marital home as his behaviour became more erratic and hostile.  Three years and two months after my first contact with Al-Anon, my husband died.
     I was no longer the same person, a process of change my Higher Power started during my first meeting.  I now have the spiritual life I'd always wanted.  Like so many people deeply affected by alcoholism, I was in a state of anguish and immobility.  Now three years after my husband's death, I have a life of my own, I have spread my wings, and I have found the courage to try many things that I would never have done before.
     I am deeply committed to Al-Anon.  It saved me from my own folly and gave me a life better than ever.  I have the hope of even greater spiritual riches as I work the Steps, Traditions, and Concepts.  I know my Higher Power will never abandon me.


My safety matters

Ruth G., Manitoba

     When I started attending Al-Anon, I was living with an active alcoholic and suffering from panic attacks and depression.  Soon I started attending three meetings a week because for the first time in my life I heard people sharing about emotions and feelings that I had always previously denied.

     Contrary to what the alcoholic told me, I learned that I didn't cause alcoholism, I couldn't control it, and I couldn't cure it--no matter how much responsibility I felt for it or how many ways I tried to cure him.

     My husband's drinking increased sharply after I'd been in the program for two years.  He was admitted to the chemical withdrawal unit in a local hospital.  When I visited him the next day, the hospital staff talked about releasing him in a day or two.  My insides were screaming, "No, no, no!"

     The following day, with help from Al-Anon members and counseling, I was able to tell my husband that I wasn't well enough to have him stay at home.  He chose to stay with his mother.  My husband broke our agreement that he would let me know before he came to the house.  I felt so uncomfortable that I knew I had to go somewhere "safe."

     Two days later my husband made a suicide attempt.  My 20-year-old son found him.  A wonderful Al-Anon friend came to be with me and my Al-Anon friends were a huge support.

     My husband was getting sicker and sicker by the week.  I was becoming more confident that I could live on my own--something that I almost dared not to think about for more than ten years.  Al-Anon gave me the courage and knowledge to accept that this was my Higher Power's will for me.

     A few months later when my son found my husband's body in the house, I could honestly say that I felt no guilt about leaving the family home.  I knew I did what I needed to do for my own sanity, safety, and serenity.
     I thank God daily for everything I've learned in Al-Anon--most importantly that I have a Higher Power to talk to and trust and I can trust my own feelings.  Now, more than two years after my husband's death, it is important to continue attending Al-Anon--to give back a little of so much I received in Al-Anon.

Newfound Self-Worth Relieves Despair

Cindy H.., Tennessee

     Amazingly my life has changed beyond my wildest dreams.  I had no idea I'd be the one to change--not the alcoholics in my life who are still actively doing what they've always done.

     I'm the one who is no longer behaving the same old way.  I no longer live in despair, obsessed with what others are doing or wondering why they were doing it to me!

     Alcoholism is a disease.  I truly believe it's a disease, not a moral issue.

     Through attending meetings, reading literature, working the Steps, and using the Serenity Prayer and the other Al-Anon tools, I've moved on with my development.  In finding out who I really am, I'm discovering that I no longer depend on others to dictate who I should be.

     In Al-Anon, I discovered my dreams and desires and found the courage to work toward them.  Sometimes I fought long and hard against myself by putting others first.  Here in Al-Anon, I'm able to put myself first most of the time.

     Taking small steps--seeing a movie by myself, going out of town for a long weekend, buying a new outfit, or changing my hairstyle--has worked best for me.  Changing eventually became easier with time.  The most amazing change has been to realize that I'm okay just being me.

     Being of service in Al-Anon has also changed me.  For most of my life, I thought of myself as bashful and shy.  But I discovered my true essence in Al-Anon.  I'm actually a very outgoing, friendly person.

     I don't have to be ashamed of the secrets I used to hide--I grew up in an alcoholic home, married into an alcoholic family, and then my own family became that alcoholic home.  I always felt less than other people.  Today I truly believe that I am a child of God.  I'm worthy enough to be me and to feel loved for just being me.