Al-Anon Family Group

The Forum magazine articles - June 2004

The following articles from the June 2004 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.   For more articles, check The Forum archive.

 

When I finally felt desperate enough, I decided to seek professional help for the emotional turmoil that was devouring me.  I was sure another person in my life was responsible for my problems and that an astute counselor would quickly realize, as I already did, that we had to figure out a way to change that other person's bad behavior.  The appointment was mine, of course.  It was the only way I could get in the door, but I needed professional intervention to force the solutions I knew were needed.      I went to my first session armed with a narrative to cinch my case.  My mission was to do whatever I could to help make this other person well again.  My anger and hurt allowed just enough room for a flicker of hope as I began to explain to my newfound savior what a victim I had become.  Before the session was helf over, the flicker sputtered out.  My counselor psychologist, a nice lady with a knowing smile and sympathetic manner, kept nudging the conversation back to me and my attitudes.  She suggested there were things I could do to help myself.  She offered to work on a plan to help me do that.  And then came the real clincher.  With an awareness that suggested she already knew, she inquired if I had grown up in an alcoholic family.  Were either of my parents alcoholic?  I was astounded at her perception.  I had not yet mentioned that, yes, I did grow up in an abusive alcoholic environment.  In fact it had become such a burden that I deliberately put it out of my mind.       Driving back to work after that first session, I realized the counselor had derailed my plan.  She seemed to keep the focus on me and I felt confused and a little angry.  It was not what I intended, but I started it and was not about to give up now.       At the next session we talked quite a bit about me and for moments at a time I almost forgot about the other person in my life.  The counselor fortified me with literature, including an Al-Anon pamphlet, and told me that the Al-Anon program could really help me.  During the next few weeks I devoured books that she suggested and I kept attending our sessions.      At first I resisted the advice to attend Al-Anon because I thought the program was just for wives of alcoholic husbands.  I was a guy and besides I didn't want to get mixed up with a bunch of angry ladies.  After more prodding, I finally read the pamphlet and summoned the courage to attend my first meeting.      Although I didn't know it at the time, Al-Anon was the start of a new life for me.  The first few meetings brought a rush of often confusing emotions, but something made me want to keep going back.  I learned a lot about myself by listening to others, and the little blue One Day at a Time in Al-Anon book became my constant companion.      Before I decided to stop going to counseling, the sessions had already served a useful purpose.  My original emotional focus gave way to a desire to make myself a better person.  In the years since then, Al-Anon has become a wonderful, integral part of my life.      I've gotten into service work on various levels.  I attend meetings regularly even when I travel and I have met some wonderful people, truly kindred spirits.  I feel a special bond and gratitude to Al-Anon for all that it has given me.  Also, I will forever appreciate the wise counselor from long ago who urged me to try Al-Anon in the first place.

 

When I first walked through the doors of Al-Anon 16 years ago, I had no idea how many changes God would bring into my life.  I thought the alcoholics in my life needed to change and my children needed to change, but I was just fine, thank you.  Why wouldn't anyone listen to me?  I did not know why.  Thankfully, God had a much better understanding of what I needed in order to bring my healing and wholeness into my life and to restore me to sanity.       Everything in my life began to change as I attended meetings, met with my Sponsor, and turned over my will and my life to the God of my understanding.  He provided new friends, new interests, a new career, and even a new state in which to live.       When I became willing to use the tools of this program and to accept others instead of trying to control them, my relationships began to improve.  Today my relationships with my brother, my parents, and my children are more loving than I could have imaginged.  Our time together is precious.       I have also learned the meaning of friendship and what it means to truly care for another person.  Through using the tools of Al-Anon, I have made friends all over the country.  Although my spouse and I are divorced, I try to remember the good times.  I pray that he and my family will come to know the blessings of recovery.       Did I always welcome these changes?  No. Am I grateful for these changes?  Yes.  Now, when changes come into my life as they inevitably do, I ask God to give me the courage and acceptance that I need.  Thank you, Al-Anon, for helping me to cope with change and even to welcome it.

 

During my upbringing, no one ever mentioned the idea that I was on a spiritual journey.  I received food, clothes, and shelter, but because my parents were not aware of their own spiritual journey, they could not provide any spiritual insights for me.      Although we went to church, our focus was on certain rituals.  If there was any comment about the soul or spirit, it was in connection to where we would spend eternity.  My father did not live with us and I only saw him occasionally.  In each memory I have of him he showed some stage of inebriation, so he didn't have much spiritual wisdom to offer.       I stumbled through life believing that I was bumbling and clumsy.  I believed eventually I would die and my soul would end up in heaven or hell depending on how deeply I genuflected or how neatly I folded my hands.  I experienced flashes of a spiritual connection, but nothing ever became frequent or consistent.      Al-Anon gave me my first true taste of spirituality.  When I showed up at meetings with my scattered thoughts and tremendous fear, almost immediately I felt relief and sensed some growth in my spirit.  People at meetings taught me the difference between focusing on survival and actually living.  They were so very patient and loving.      As I kept coming back, I listened to people discuss the spiritual guidance available to them for the asking from a Power greater than themselves.  I began to sort through and find spiritual thoughts in my own mind.  My spirit began to awaken.  Things like serenity, creativity, and joy actually became typical events in my life.  The more I read and the longer I showed up, the more such thoughts occurred and the stronger they influenced the way I chose to live.      Focusing on spiritual growth has not been easy.  It requires effort and willingness.  My old ways of thinking seem always ready to overwhelm me with negativity and judgment.  I wish I could say that developing a sense of spirituality in my life meant every interaction I had and every decision I made turned out lovely.  It didn't.  Being human can be messy.  Even with the light of this program, I still stumble and bumble along.  But the strength of this program and the constancy of my Higher Power have always pulled me through.      The more experience I have in seeing life as a spiritual journey, the more hope I have of healing my defects of character.  The more I show up to learn how to walk the walk, the more I hear Al-Anon's wisdom and my Higher Power's plans for me.      I have heard it said, "We are spirits having a human experience, and not the other way around."  These are soothing words that encourage me to keep seeking the joyful path of spirituality in my life.  Al-Anon pointed the way to that path, and it continues to light my steps along the way.