Al-Anon Family Group

The Forum magazine articles - June 2003

The following articles from the June 2003 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.  For more articles, check The Forum archive.

 

Twenty-one years ago I gave custody of my 12-year-old son to his father.  Over the years, my relationship with him grew more and more distant.  During his early 20s he moved to another state and for several years we talked on the phone only once or twice a year.  There were several years when I did not know where he lived or even if he was still alive.  A few years ago he returned to Kentucky where he lives about one hour from my home.  Although we became much closer geographically, our relationship continued to be distant.      In recovery I am learning how to be more responsible and how to follow through with my commitments, including my commitment to Al-Anon service work.  I have participated in District 12's Al-Anon information service and also on the Convention Host Committee.  This past year, both of these service groups held business meetings the second Tuesday of alternating months in the same city where my son lives.  This meant I would be in his town every month for sure, because of my commitment to Al-Anon.      My Higher Power gave me the courage to contact my son.  I asked him if we could meet for coffee after my service meeting the same day, time, and place each month.  He was delighted and even made arrangements to have Tuesday evenings off from work just so he and I could have our own little meeting after the meeting.      During these precious get-togethers with my son, I am trying to use the healthy communication tools I have learned from Al-Anon meetings and literature.  As a result, we have enjoyed a renewed and loving relatonship with each other.  Last year we saw each other only once.  This year, next Tuesday will be the 12th time we have seen each other and spent time together.      My Higher Power has used my willingness to serve this fellowship as a pathway for healing and renewal in my personal life.  What a surprising and wonderful gift!      One of our pamphlets from Conference Approved Literature is When I Got Busy, I Got Better (P-78).  That title is such a true statement about my life today.  I had no idea where my willingness to serve would lead.  Thank you, Al-Anon and my Higher Power, for the gifts of service that you have given me.

 

When I first came to Al-Anon I was one of those people who was very quiet.  So quiet that about the only thing I ever said was my name when we went around the room.  Oh, and I also said, "Pass," when it was my turn to share.      It may sound silly, but I even volunteered to make the coffee at my first meeting just so the group would let me attend their meeting.  I was afraid to share and afraid to let other Al-Anon members know that I didn't have an alcoholic in my life anymore.  My mother had been sober for several years and I was divorced from my husband who had a drinking problem.  I was afraid that if the Al-Anon members found out that I didn't have an alcoholic in my life to fix they would ask me to leave.      Today I know differently, but my fears were real when I first arrived in Al-Anon.  I had other fears keeping me silent.  To anyone who also suffers from being silent in meetings I would say, "You are not alone.  Just keep coming back and keep trying."      My situation got better when I gave myself permission to start small.  I started with my name.  Then I added just one sentence, and then another.  To my amazement, many people started talking to me after the meetings.  I felt much better when I started opening up and I felt so much a part of the group.

 

One of the hardest things I've ever done was setting aside my fears long enough to ask someone to be my Al-Anon sponsor.  One of my biggest challenges has been finding the ability to trust people.      I still feel like a newcomer and realize I may feel this way for a long time.  I am a virtual baby amongst rooms full of longtime members.  It took me a long time to grasp the meaning of so many phrases I heard at meetings, such as "Work the Steps.  Follow the program.  Follow HP's will."  For a long time I was shuffling my feet through the forest of "I want to feel better," heading toward a glimpse of the "Al-Anon way," which I could faintly see in the distance.      For a year I just went to meetings and listened.  Sometimes I was able to talk or share, but usually after I spoke I became very critical of my own words.  I even managed to work up the courage to lead a meeting or two, but I must admit I felt extremely nervous.  I went to great lengths to prepare the perfect opening, and then I felt so self-conscious that I could hardly hear what other members were saying.      I only knew that I couldn't stand living my life as I had in the past.  Al-Anon was the place where I began to believe there was another way.  Picking up the phone to call a member was nearly impossible for me.  I was so afraid my problems were not Al-Anon related and the person would not want to talk to me.      Now I know that life problems, or even just fears and concerns, are all acceptable topics.  As a matter of fact, I'm not sure there is an unacceptable topic.  The one thing that saved me from my problem with the phone was e-mail.  Finding out that I could share my feelings without worrying about being turned down or criticized gave me the courage to be honest and real.  It gave me the ability to reach out for help.      Along the way there have been many challenges that seemed like roadblocks because of my shyness and fears.  Little by little I pushed myself to put a toe in the water and try.  When that wasn't possible, I learned to pray for the courage to make a tiny step in the direction I wanted to go.      Finding the courage to ask someone to be my sponsor was one of the hardest chores for me.  I agonized over who would accept me and understand my feelings and fears.  No one seemed to fit the mold of the perfect sponsor I had created in my head.  Certainly no one would want to listen to me.      After a year, I realized I could not continue to learn and grow without some kind of guidance.  After much searching and many prayers, I noticed a woman in a meeting who obviously practiced the program on a daily basis.  She had been in the program long enough to help me learn how to grow, and she had an e-mail address.  All I had to do was write to her, ask for her help, and wait.      Pretty soon I received what was the perfect reply for me.  She wrote, "I would be honored to be your sponsor.  I will do my best to stay out of the way and let God use me as His channel."  That felt so safe to me.  Letting God be in charge allowed me to let go of tons of fear.  Today I am trying to use that idea in many areas of my life.      At first I wrote to my sponsor and said, "I don't know if this is okay to ask," but I would ask.  After a few months, I felt safe just to talk and to keep our lines of communication open.  Having a sponsor is one of the best things I've done for myself.  When she shares her experience, strength, and hope with me, she allows me to stretch my wings so I can practice having a real, happy life.  Al-Anon has wisely provided me with this opportunity, and I am so heartily thankful to all members past and present for keeping the program alive.