Al-Anon Family GroupAl-Anon Family Group
The following articles from the January
2005 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon
Family
Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.
For more articles, check The Forum
archive.
While preparing to attend my first Al-Anon Information Office Board Meeting as the newly elected Chairperson, I was careful to leave early enough so I would be on time. A growth opportunity presented itself and I ended up in the biggest traffic jam I have ever seen. The radiator in my truck reached its boiling point about the same time I did. That was because 30 minutes before and a quarter-mile back two of my passengers, Patience and Tolerance, jumped out of the truck. I guess they didn't like my company.
Suddenly I noticed bubbles floating across the hood of my motionless truck. In the middle of a traffic nightmare I followed the path of bubbles to its source--the woman in the car next to mine. As I watched her dip the wand into a bottle to blow another batch of bubbles, I had to laugh at myself.
An excerpt from page 91 in Courage to Change flashed through my mind. "An important part of the serious business of recovery involves recognizing our need to have fun--to take a trip, fly a kite, attend a concert, make noise, race down the street, or blow bubbles." Since I didn't have a bottle of bubbles, I just enjoyed watching the woman blow hers. When traffic started moving again, Patience and Tolerance climbed back into my truck.
I arrived at the meeting on time, shared the bubble story with Board members, and smiled the rest of the night. I have always wondered if that woman was an Al-Anon member, or if it was just another one of those "God things."
My ex-husband harassed and threatened me daily after I left him. Every night I worried about what he might do next, what I would do about my finances, or anything else I could think of to occupy my mind. I chain-smoked and I wasn't sleeping or eating well. The thought of being alone terrified me.
When I hit my bottom 16 years ago, I was in a constant state of anxiety. It's amazing that I didn't have a stroke. I guess my Higher Power--the one I didn't think existed--was keeping an eye on me and guiding me to Al-Anon.My first few meetings were a blur, but I scooped up all the literature I could find. I picked up the Just for Today bookmark and read the first paragraph. "Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would apall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime."
I read that paragraph every morning and thought, "Maybe I can live through the next 12 hours, even if they become scary, painful, or frustrating." Unsure of how I could make it through an entire day without fear, pain, or anxiety, my Sponsor suggested breaking the day into minutes.
After my ex-husband called and harassed me, I cried and was unable to focus on my job. I called my Sponsor and she listened to me for a few minutes and then gently asked what I was doing at that moment. When I said I was trying to work on a project but couldn't concentrate, she asked if I could concentrate on the project for five minutes. Well, that sounded silly, so I said, "Of course I can concentrate for five minutes." She suggested that I work on the project for the next five minutes and if I lost my concentration, to call her back. The next five minutes lasted much longer than five minutes.
That was when I started to change. I would read Just for Today and tell myself I only needed to make it through that day. When I struggled, I would call my Sponsor. Thank goodness she was available. I called her many times.
As I became stronger, I practiced the other suggestions on the Just for Today card. I love that piece of literature because it helped met to keep the focus on myself. When I focused my energy on myself rather than on my former husband, I had more time for the project at work and I made fewer mistakes.
Several things changed in my life when I focused on myself. I reduced my mental exhaustion, felt physically stronger, and my hunger returned. I paid more attention to what I needed. I slept a lot better, excelled at my job, and my self-esteem increased.
It is funny to me now that I experienced all of those changes. I told myself, "Just for today I will try to live through this day only," one day at a time. So many years ago I struggled to understand how I could live my life a day at a time, and I was already doing it.
My 16-year-old Just for Today bookmark is tattered from years of use. I'm going to buy a new one to keep on my desk at work. That way, when I see it I'll remember what I can do for myself at any given moment.
My life was incredibly unmanageable when I walked through the doors of Al-Anon. I was angry, bitter, and hateful. My problems consumed me. Infuriated that my life had not gone the way I indended, I resented anyone who was successful. I grew up and lived in a disease I was unaware of--alcoholism.
Alcoholism robbed me of my hopes and dreams. The disease took away my dignity and self-respect. My friendships and my feelings were gone. Alcoholism stole my natural instincts to know and do God's will, to love others, and to be of service to people. I questioned whether anything could restore me to sanity.
As I kept coming back to Al-Anon, my insides began to thaw. People in the program embraced me and loved me regardless of my self-hatred and bitterness. As I have often heard in these rooms, people loved me until I could love myself. That was a monumental task.
The program has worked for me spiritually in a way that I cannot explain. As the members nurtured me, cheered for me, and included me, I began to heal. At the same time, God knew I needed to work through the Twelve Steps.
Before I came to Al-Anon, I acted in ways that were unacceptable to me. I kept secrets that I never wanted to reveal. I had stored a life of shame so deep inside me that I didn't think I could possibly heal.
When I started working the Steps, I began disposing of my secrets and shame. Slowly, I revealed more about myself. As I let go of my secrets, I began to feel human again.
Step Nine proved to be one of the most healing Steps for me. Making amends for my wrongs and living life a different way gave me a great deal of relief. The freedom I received from telling people I had harmed them, treating others as I would like them to treat me, and making things right in my life has been powerful.
There is still recovery work to do and more healing to experience. I believe Al-Anon works and that I will continue to heal as I "Keep Coming Back." I will discover more about myself, continue to make amends, uncover additional feelings, and nurture my life. This program has given me a quality of life that I treasure--through the Steps, the Al-Anon fellowship, and my hope in a Power greater than myself.