Al-Anon Family Group

The Forum magazine articles - January 2004

The following articles from the January 2004 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.   For more articles, check The Forum archive.
 

 

Our house was the safest place for my wife to drink because I made it that way. Of course, I didn't realize I was enabling her drinking. I just thought I was taking care of her.       I cleaned up any problems that occurred because of her drinking. I thought I was helping. Imagine my surprise and disappointment when I discovered my actions were actually helping her continue to drink. She didn't suffer any consequences of her drinking, because I always took care of any difficulties that arose. I called her work and did whatever I could to hide the problems from myself and everyone else.       I came to Al-Anon when my wife went into recovery. I did it for her--because I knew I wasn't sick! Of course, as I continued to go to meetings, I learned that a person can't live with an active alcoholic for 20 years without getting sick. I also learned that my attempts to help her were actually robbing her of her dignity and self-worth.       Each person has the right to experience the consequences of his or her own actions, and I denied my wife that right. Al-Anon explained to me that my wife has her own Higher Power, and it's not me. I was not responsible for her recovery. I thought to myself, "How will she survive if I don't help her?" But I kept coming to meetings and listening and finally I understood that it was her job to take care of herself, not mine.       Because I came to Al-Anon, I did not try to run my wife's recovery. I would have, and I would have failed. Thanks to what I learned in Al-Anon, I let her take care of it. She is now five years sober with the help of her Higher Power, and our marriage is the best it has ever been.       No longer am I responsible for my wife's happiness. I'm just responsible for my own. We now have a household of mutual sharing and understanding, with lots of communication. Once I stopped enabling her drinking, she experienced the consequences and chose to get better. To me, it is a miracle.

 

Three weeks ago my husband walked out on me in a drunken fury. Since then I have been to seven Al-Anon meetings.       Until that first meeting, I didn't understand it when I heard, "You cannot change him." My counselor had been saying those words to me for a while, but I didn't truly believe them. I thought, "If only I tried harder, got madder, withdrew a little more, then my husband would come to realize the damage his drinking was having on our marriage and, more importantly, on me."       With the help of these few meetings and the Al-Anon literature I have been devouring, I am coming to the realization that, no, I cannot change him. I have also realized I can only change myself--and what a lot of changes there are to make!       I become overwhelmed at times with all the work in front of me, but I am slowly learning "Easy Does It" and "One Day at a Time," or "Let Go and Let God."       I now believe with the help of my new Al-Anon family that I will learn to have compassion toward my husband and that I will accept him. I will also discover how to become a stronger, more self-assured woman who knows how to take care of herself.

 

With over ten years of actively working the program, I am a grateful member of Al-Anon. I do not currently live with an alcoholic. However, I am still dealing with the effects of it.       For the past few years I have had the desire to leave the program. I felt I needed something more. Our group transitioned so much that there are only a few still attending. Battle weary from keeping the meeting alive, I finally surrendered and asked my Higher Power for help.       Today I live the program more fully. I stopped taking group members' inventories. I have compassion for Al-Anon and Alateen members who are sick and suffering. I stopped expecting others to read my mind or to meet my expectations. I put the focus on myself. I attend other meetings. I work Steps Ten, Eleven, and Twelve on a daily basis. I have compassion for myself and I ask my Higher Power how I can be of service to my group, district, and area.       I give Forum subscriptions, sometimes anonymously. I carry literature and give it to those who are receptive. Today I know the difference between "living the program" and "being at a meeting."