Al-Anon Family Group

The Forum magazine articles - February 2006

The following articles from the February 2006 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.   For more articles, check The Forum archive.
 

 

Prior to coming to Al-Anon, I lived my life trying to control almost everything around me—well, okay, everything.  A few weeks after I began attending Al-Anon, the meeting topic was acceptance.  At first I had difficulty with the topic because I knew I had controlled and could control everything in my life.      The idea that something or someone could be okay without my help was foreign to me.  With the passing of time, I heard at meetings that acceptance is not approval.  What an eye-opening revelation!  Almost immediately I knew it was okay to stop making judgments about the people, places, and things I was trying to control.  Because acceptance didn’t mean approval, it was okay to allow people, places, and things to just be.      Acceptance became a freeing concept.  Instead of being judgmental and spreading negativity, it freed me to use my energy in more positive ways.  Most importantly, I became tolerant and loving in situations where before I was intolerant, hateful, controlling, or fearful.      As I was driving on a rural road a few days ago, a stone fell from a concrete truck and cracked my windshield.  Surprised and startled, I immediately accepted that the stone cracked the windshield and I would need to repair it.  Before coming to believe that acceptance is not approval, I would have been upset about the cracked windshield for several days.  I’m so grateful for the concept of acceptance.  It has become a guiding idea for my life.  Thank you, Al-Anon, for providing the way to learn so many effective tools for living.

 

I went on a fascinating excursion to the mountains where I saw exuberant tropical vegetation and experienced faith in my Higher Power.  That night while practicing Step Ten and meditating about what happened during the day, I thought about being tolerant and patient with myself.  I was ready to explore new places, accept my limitations, and keep my mind receptive to new experiences.  I thought leaving my past behind could be a turning point for me, but sleeplessness and fear interrupted my serenity.      All of a sudden, I heard soldiers shouting, guns cracking, and dogs barking.  Panic overtook me.  I couldn’t understand what was happening.  My body felt cold and my heart started beating faster.  I knelt and repeated the Serenity Prayer.  Childhood memories rushed to mind as I associated the soldiers’ shouts with my abusive, punishing father who had piled responsibilities on me.  The only reason I had met my father’s demands was to make him happy.  I repeated my behavior in my marriage to an alcoholic husband and prolonged my anger and fears.      My life became unmanageable the night I allowed my past to overwhelm me.  Facing my past was necessary, but only one minute at a time.  My Higher Power’s presence urged me to ask myself several questions.  What should I do in this crisis?  What have I learned from practicing the Twelve Steps?  Have I thought about applying the Al-Anon program in my personal recovery?  Am I really enjoying what life offers me?  Am I sabotaging my recovery?  Am I offensive to myself?      I cried in silence as I remembered the close relationships I had with members in my Al-Anon group.  I accepted that alcoholism affected my life.  The disease had limited, obstructed, and devastated my dream of becoming the very person I wanted to be.  The slogans, “Think” and “Let It Begin with Me,” led me to check my Fourth Step and I recognized fear, anger, and a lack of security.  For the first time, I courageously met my fear, anger, and lack of security head on.  I didn’t run.  I promised myself I would no longer be alone because I believed my Higher Power was watching over me.  My confusion about the soldiers was no longer important as a sense of serenity invaded the room.      That night I asked my Higher Power for a bag.  I put past, unpleasant events into the bag and gave it back to my Higher Power.  Letting go of the situation, I thanked my Higher Power for being close to me and for helping me with my personal recovery.      When I woke up early the next morning, I went over to the window.  I admired the view of the solid mountains covered with fog temporarily blocking the sunlight.  Soon my Higher Power’s answer came to me, “Tolerance.”  I was thankful because Al-Anon philosophy is now part of my life.  It permits me to explore my inner-being.  As I get to know myself, I’m beginning to love the person I am.

 

Although we didn’t have a client/therapist relationship, a professional helped me identify the cause of my distress.  We’d known each other as preteens in another part of the country.  Fifteen years later, we met by chance in a large centre where we both had moved.  My life was spinning out of control at the time.  We lost contact for eight more years before another chance meeting on an airplane.  At that time, we discovered we lived close to each other in yet another community.      We soon became friends.  I confided my yearning for something new by telling my friend that I felt I’d been a caretaker for my family and friends all my life.  I even felt ineffective at work in my career as a caretaker.  I was searching for a training course to learn how to teach people to help themselves.  My friend excitedly replied, “Have I got the course for you!”      I knew my friend was a therapist, but didn’t realize she also taught professionals more effective ways to assist their clients.  There were people in the training course who endorsed Twelve Step recovery programs.  I discovered my distress stemmed from survival skills I developed while growing up in an alcoholic home.  I learned those behaviors were now interfering with my well-being, but that I could take steps to replace them.      My Higher Power placed this messenger in my life disguised as a friend, teacher, and therapist.  While I was gaining courage during five years of training, I was also accepting my friend’s support for my decision to attend Al-Anon.      During my first Al-Anon meeting, the members told me about an Al-Anon adult children meeting.  In reading the Al-Anon literature, I began identifying more as a person who lived with the problem of alcoholism rather than as a professional who worked with the problem.