Al-Anon Family Group

The Forum magazine articles - February 2003

The following articles from the February 2003 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.  For more articles, check The Forum archive.

 

After being in Al-Anon a little while, one of my favorite activities is getting in the car.  That may sound strange, but to me it's an important part of my recovery.      Early in my Al-Anon experience, my sponsor encouraged me to be active in service, in the fellowship, and in open AA activities.  Often there would be several of us headed off somewhere for a roundup, an area assembly, or some other program event.  At first the thought of riding in the car with people I didn't know made the hair rise on the back of my neck.  I tried to get out of going, or at least to drive on my own.  The thought of feeling trapped for a long period of time with no obvious way out was a level of surrender I couldn't easily accept.      Ultimately, I ended up in the car and my life changed forever.  During the drive we spoke of all sorts of things that were both big and small.  For the most part we shared about our lives and how we were working our program.  Each of us had different personal issues, but in the car we reasoned things out with each other.      This experience made me realize at a deeper level that I am not unique or separate from everyone in Al-Anon.  Everyone is on a personal journey.  I am not alone and I don't have to keep what's going on in my life all to myself.  There are many people out there who have been where I've been and can lend me a helping hand.  Today whenever I get in the car to do Al-Anon service, the trip is the best part.

 

My husband and I had been separated for two years and married for 26.  Our son was getting married and of course we were both invited to the wedding.  Near the time of the wedding, none of us knew where my husband was, if he remembered, or if he would be there.      He showed up a few days before the wedding in order to have his tuxedo fitted.  The day of the rehearsal, I knew I needed to meet with him.  I had no idea what I was to say or how.  I thought about the first three Steps over and over and, "I can't.  He can.  I'll let him."  The Third Step helped me to turn over the results of the weekend, and not to predict the results.  I prayed, "God, guide my thoughts and guard my mouth."      We met and what came out of me, thanks to my Higher Power, was, "I know our lives are messed up as a couple--but as parents we did one heck of a job!  This event is not about our mess.  It is about our wonderful, loving son embarking on an important part of his journey in life."  I told my husband I would nave no hit-men hiding around corners waiting to ambush him, and that I hoped we could both be there for our son.  His tense face turned soft, tears fell from our eyes, and he thanked me for my grace.      The rehearsal, the wedding, and the reception were such gifts from God.  There was not a single moment I would have wished was any different.  I asked H.P. to be with me on my shoulder for those two days, and He was.  Many times I turned my head to the side and said, "Thank you, God."      Had I tried to plan those days, I would have failed so miserably.  Because I turned it over, God did for me what I could not dofor myself.

 

Tradition One states:  "Our common welfare should come first; personal progress for the greatest number depends upon unity."  I was struck by the word unity.  What occurred to me about this Tradition is that we are so much bigger than me.  I see how this is true for any group I'm in--whether I'm with Al-Anon members, my family, my coworkers, or members of the community.      One of my character defects has been self-centeredness.  In most of my relationships I always tried to see what I could get from others, rather than what I could contribute.  Even when I thought I was being altruistic and helping or giving to others, often my motivation was to look good and to win approval and attention.  Truly putting what's best for the whole group ahead of my own interests is something that doesn't come naturally to me.  It is something I need to pray about and turn over to my Higher Power.      I believe the saying is true:  "United we stand; divided we fall."  I know if the Al-Anon program were not here I would be lost and possibly dead--certainly spiritually and emotionally if not physically.  I remember talking to someone about the First Step.  She pointed out to me that the first word in the First Step is "We."  She told me that this is a "We" program, not an "I" program.  I am grateful that I don't have to do my recovery alone, because I have the support of the fellowship.  I want to ensure that this program continues to be here for myself and for other members who are struggling.      I have a friend who says "we" are smarter than any one of us, and I believe this is true.  When we pool our knowledge, resources, and experiences together, I believe we are much more powerful than any one of us--and everyone benefits as a result.  I experienced this especially at an Al-Anon event just as I was leaving.      I was in a hurry because I needed to get to work at a specific time so I had to leave earlier than everyone else.  My car was warming up when I realized I locked the keys inside while the engine was running.  Of course I began to panic.  I tried to think of ways to solve the problem myself, but none of my ideas worked.  I knew then that I needed to go back into the meeting room and ask for help.      I felt so embarrassed , but when I shared what I had done, people were so supportive.  One woman I just met said she would call her auto service company to help me.  I also asked a friend of mine if I could borrow her car and if she would drive my car home after it was unlocked.  She agreed.  After everything that happened, I still made it to work on time and felt so grateful.  This was my Higher Power at work--as well as the "we" part of the Al-Anon program.