Al-Anon Family Group

The Forum magazine articles - December 2004

The following articles from the December 2004 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.   For more articles, check The Forum archive.
 

 

While I loved the focus of this year's Conference theme, "Dynamic Groups Today--Building Blocks for Tomorrow," I wondered what the theme had to do with me.  My Sponsor told me a long time ago it was none of my business whether or not the group accepted my definition of what is "good".  I was here to recover from the effects of someone else's drinking.      Of course, as I lived in a prison of black-and-white thinking, I thought my Sponsor meant I only had to fix me and the rest of you were on your own.  This fit with my plan of only going to meetings long enough for you to tell me I didn't belong here.      So after many, many 24 hours, what do "dynamic groups today" have to do with me?  Well, groups cannot be dynamic or even dull if no one attends the meetings.  Meeting topics cannot attract people to recovery if members refuse to chair a program periodically--or if they refuse to share their experience, strength, and hope when someone else presents a topic.      I think of meetings that I have participated in where people read page after page from the One Day at a Time book or another piece  of Conference Approved Literature, yet no one would speak on a personal level.  It is the personal sharing by members in my group that continues to break down my old thought patterns.  Listening to their experiences forces me to keep taking a personal inventory and when I am wrong to promptly admit it.      Meetings that have loving interchanges among members refresh my thought patterns.  A newcomer will often say a phrase or express a feeling that touches a part of me that I long ago forgot or purposely ignored.  Often as I drive home after a meeting, I find myself rethinking old behaviors or trying to erase barriers that I built to protect the character defects that made me feel comfortable.      If I have not changed my thinking after all these years, if my perceptions of right and wrong remain as rigid as before, if my understanding of the Steps, Traditions, Concepts of Service, and the Warranties continues to be the same as my understanding during the early years of my program, then Al-Anon has not worked for me.  The Al-Anon program through each of you has convinced me that change is good.  I don't have to compromise my values, but I do need to rethink trying to force them on each of you.  If I choose to withhold forgiveness, I only hurt myself.  There is no virtue in being right--only in trying to do the right thing. <>     If my group is a "dynamic building block for tomorrow," then my program must also be alive, dynamic, changing, and free from old thoughts and restrictions.  While I alone cannot make my group dynamic, the energy it takes for each of our members to live an active, vibrant daily program can.  As the next year approaches, it is time for me once again to commit myself to reexamining all of my "beliefs".  As I grow and change, my message of hope and help expands.  I want my example to attract others to the program, and I want to play an active part in my group--so we will be one of the many building blocks for Al-Anon's future.

 

My Sponsor had a lot of faith to share with me, which was a blessing.  However, when I told her about my terrible financial problems, I could not accept her response.  She said, "Let Go and Let God."      She was such a flowing example of consistency, though.  Rather than giving me the practical answers I was looking for, she pointed out tools of the program that I could use, and I came to believe that those tools were working.       I started feeling better about my life when I became willing to surrender some of my difficult problems to a Higher Power.  That's when I noticed ideas sometimes popped into my head that seemed to originate from somewhere else.  I began to understand how seeking spiritual help could result in finding practical solutions to a variety of problems.  My babysitting and housing problems, or anything else I excessively worried about became manageable, a step at a time.      Today I can be an example for my sponsees by recalling personal experiences and sharing my strength and hope.  I simply point to some of the tools of the program that we can use so effectively in all of our affairs.  I no longer feel pressure to solve my sponsees' problems for me.

 

For three days I heard, "Go to Al-Anon, Go to Al-Anon.  Go to Al-Anon."  I heard that chant during a family visitation weekend I attended while my son was in a rehabilitation program.  A clinical therapist led the weekend workshop.  I kept thinking, "What is she talking about?  I've never heard of Al-Anon.  Where is it?  How does it work?  How much does it cost?  Why do I have to go?"      Little did I know that I had hit my bottom.  My life was out of control and the clinical therapist had seen it.  I listened and cried for three days.  I asked, "How can he lie to me if he loves me?"  She answered, "Go to Al-Anon."  I said, "I am so angry at him."  The therapist replied, "You need Al-Anon."  I added, "I give him money and he doesn't respect me."  She said, "Al-Anon."      "We fight all the time."      "Al-Anon."      "I even have to call and see if he went to work."      "Al-Anon."      "I keep telling him where this will get him."      "You really need Al-Anon."      "I have to stay up and check his breath when he gets home."      "Al-Anon."      "I have to make sure he opens his mail."      "Al-Anon."      I left the weekend frustrated but with a handful of literature and a meeting list.  I went to one meeting and found people who were like me.  I read the literature, attended meetings, and after a few months asked a woman in my home group to be my Sponsor.  She has helped me to understand and live the Al-Anon program.      I have learned to pray and to trust my Higher Power.  I have learned to be grateful and I have learned to love my son again.  I have many days of serenity--all because I went to Al-Anon and kept coming back.