Al-Anon Family Group

The Forum magazine articles - August 2005

The following articles from the August 2005 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.
 

 

Everything about my life was in crisis mode before Al-Anon.  After joining the program, “How Important Is It?” and “Keep It Simple” became my lifelines.  By breaking down each crisis into smaller, simpler pieces, my life became more manageable.  My spouse and I used to argue about stupid things, such as carrying the trash to the curb for weekly pickups or who should clean the house.  Since I worked outside the home and he didn’t, I thought he should at least help with the housework—he didn’t agree.      When I became tired of carrying the resentment of doing the chores myself, I looked at my resentment from the perspective of “How Important Is It?”  Taking out the trash wasn’t killing me and I knew my husband wasn’t going to do it.  Now I make sure all of the garbage is in the trash bin and roll it to the curb each week.  Simply put, holding onto the frustration, anger, and hurt is not worth the resentment.  The few minutes it took to do the chore saved me much more than it cost me.  Surprisingly, since I quit arguing about the trash, my husband occasionally takes the garbage to the curb instead of waiting for me to do it.  Part of my gratitude has been to thank him for taking the time to do the chore.       It may sound silly that I’m grateful for such a small act.  Keeping my life simple and being grateful for the small things in life prepares me for the greater gifts this program offers me.  Not belaboring the small, unimportant things in life allows me more time to enjoy the grace and benefits each day has in store for me.  My Al-Anon friends and the literature have helped me determine what is really important—my serenity and well-being.

 

I didn’t like who I was or how I reacted around a certain group of people.  Acting like a robot surrounded by a brick wall, I didn’t join their conversation and I felt nothing.  I just went through the motions, thinking I was detaching.  My lack of participation created uncomfortable visits and I was unable to be honest and tell them I didn’t want to spend time with them anymore.      My Higher Power presented a situation where I had the courage to say everything I wanted to say, in a calm and positive way.  I told the group of people that I needed time to find out who I was and to learn how to stop being a robot.  Piece by piece, I needed to take down the brick wall I had built around myself so I could allow goodness into my life.  I told them I wanted to feel my feelings again and to be safe while doing so, without anyone criticizing me or laughing at me for crying or expressing my emotions.      I want to find out who I am!  There is so much more in life for me.  I have so much to be grateful for, but I haven’t let anyone in or myself out because I put up that brick wall.  My journey of recovery and discovery has just begun.      Now I’m on a path where I focus on myself and try to be positive.  I try not to overreact or do for others what they can do for themselves.  I listen without interrupting when other people are talking.  Because I realize that everyone has a story, I don’t judge people, I accept them.       My brick wall and I have gone through a lot.  The time came for me to let it go because the wall had no positive effect on me anymore.  It used to be my protector even though people could see right through it.  The wall didn’t hide me as well as I thought it did.  It only hid me from myself.  Now I need to rely on God to protect me, to keep me safe, and to restore me to sanity.

 

It took me four years to complete Step Four.  Before I found Al-Anon, I was so busy taking other people’s inventory that I never even considered taking my own.  It was very painful looking at myself.  I didn’t like what I saw.  I realized that my inventory took such a long time to complete because I had so many faults.  I even went through three Sponsors during that time.  I was in sad shape, for sure.      By the time I got to Step Ten, I had learned a lot about myself and Al-Anon.  I saw how the program was working in my life, my children’s lives, and in the lives of other Al-Anon members.  Al-Anon worked as long as I complied with the Steps as written.      I worked Step Ten along with the slogan, “One Day at a Time,” making sure to do the Tenth Step every evening.  After a while, I found myself taking Step Ten as needed during the day—sometimes even taking the Step minute to minute.       Working Step Ten gives me such freedom.  I feel so calm because I’m no longer hauling around a pile of baggage in my mind.  This Step also takes care of my guilt and self-hatred.  I’ve gone from never even thinking about being wrong to easily admitting I was wrong.  The Tenth Step gives me the priceless gift of serenity in one very important area of my life—my mind.

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