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District 12 of Southern Illinois

The Forum magazine articles - April 2007


The following articles from the April 2007 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.  For more articles, check The Forum archive.  
 


Learning to detach after only three months

Nicole W.

     I married my second husband in 1999.  For the first year it was a marriage made in heaven.

     W e both drank and occasionally he would get drunk and do things that disturbed me.  When my stepson came to live with us, my husband's drinking increased.  For three years I was pretty content to be a homemaker.  Then, it began to occur to me that his drinking wasn't going to stop.  I took the news very personally.

     In the fall of 2002, I returned to college after a long absense.  My plan was to gain enough schooling to become employable, so I could eventually leave the marriage.  I went for an entire school year and then things got completely out of control.

     In my loneliness, I became emotionally involved with a man I met on a chat line.  In fact, I got so involved with him that I flew to where he lived so I could visit him for five days.  My husband didn't know what was going on when I came back, but nine days later he overheard part of a conversation we were having on the phone.  When my husband asked me about the call, I lied and said there was nothing going on.  Then, when he began to tape record my conversations, he caught me.  A week and a half later, he confronted me and I had no choice but to tell him the truth.

     We separated an my husband sobered up during that time.  I loved the man I saw when my husband became sober and I missed him very much.  We finally reconciled after four months.  He stayed sober for several months efore he started drinking again.

     At this point, I not only had the drinking to live with, but the rage my husband still felt over what I had done.  In response to all this, I began to feel despondent and suicidal.  I didn't want a divorce, but I didn't know how to live with my husband the way he was.

     While we were separated, I attended one Al-Anon Family Group meeting with a friend I had met in school.  My friend happened to be a recovering alcoholic.  The commitment she had to her own program was really an inspiration.  Although I liked Al-Anon, I had too much anger to bother with recovery.  Besides, I figured we'd be getting a divorce and he was the sick one anyway.  But Al-Anon always stuck in my mind when we had problems during the reconciliation.

     Finally after several bad fights that resulted in a two-day separation and after our marriage counselor and pastor started giving up on us, I called the Al-Anon Family Groups office.  They told me where to find the closest meeting.  That week I went to my first Al-Anon meeting with the idea of attending regularly.  When another newcomer greeted me, I knew immediately that I'd come to the right place.

     I met women who lived in many different circumstances.  Some were married to husbands who were actively drinking.  Some were divorced and some were married to husbands who had their own program.  My personal goal in Al-Anon was to develop enought of a backbone to leave my husband.  I soon learned that separation wasn't my only option.

     Within a week, I went from feeling suicidal to feeling like smiling.  For the first time I had hope, because I was learning how to let go of my husband's drinking.  I knew I was growing in Al-Anon the first time I didn't run to dump his whiskey in the sink after I found it on the counter.  Believe me, that was progress!  There was a time when I felt such rage at finding those bottles that I fantasized about replacing the whiskey with toilet water.  I'm happy to report I never tried that.

     What was even better was when my husband saw me pick up his bottle and set it back down.  I imagine he thought, "Did I just see what I thought I saw?"
     After three weeks of this kind of consistency, my husband took notice.  He later told me he didn't feel he could blame me for his drinking anymore.  In his mind, I was no longer the bad one.  He began to feel guilty that he wasn't doing his part in our marriage and he started attending a recovery group with me on Friday nights.
     I've been in Al-Anon for three months now.  It's been a true eye-opener.  I now longer take my husband's drinking personally.  I realize he had this illness long before I entered his life and he'll continue to have it for as long as he lives.  Staying sober continues to be a struggle for him, but I've been able to stay in this marriage "One Day at a Time" with the help of Al-Anon Family Groups.  Consequently, many things in our relationship are being restored.
     I still have a tendency to ride the highs and lows of my husband's mood swings.  I'm hoping one day I can stop taking any of his moods personally.  In the meantime, I have the support of my Sponsor and many new friends who are there for me when things seem to be too much for me to handle.  Al-Anon is truly an answer to my prayers.

My desire for revenge-A fight worth winning?

Anonymous, Manitoba

     I've spent many precious moments grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw as I remained entrenched in contentious relationships with my siblings.  Not only did I carry this stress around with me during the day, I tossed and turned at night.  My bed acted as a trampoline where my brain jumped from negative thought to negative thought regarding all the wrongs my siblings had heaped upon the innocent bystanders in our family.

     I wondered whether I'd achieve my desire for revenge.  It took a long while for me to realize that my fantasy of winning the fight over my perceived adversaries had only one fatality--me.  I was losing, my energy was down.  I was angry, depressed, and sometimes enraged, so my efforts weren't serving a useful purpose.

     I decided to explore the idea of detachment.  However, since I was so committed to winning the undeclared battle with whomever I thought was my enemy, it wasn't easy to change my internal pattern of reaction.

     Thankfully, I could recite the slogans.  I repeated them in my mind, "Let Go and Let God," and created new sayings.  "One Day at a Time" seemed an impossible length of time to remain detached, so I tried one minute at a time.

     Did I experience a miracle?  No.  Did I experience relief from my internal suffering?  Yes!

     Little by little I started to get the hang of this whole detachment thing.  When I found myself reacting rather than responding, or when I noticed anger beginning to bubble inside of me, it became easier to repeat the slogans and I slowly learned how to detach with love from the old arguments.

     Now I can go to family events, stay calm, and actually enjoy myself, which does seem like a miracle--thanks to Al-Anon Family Groups.

A kiss I never expected

Sally C., Missouri

     All my life, my nagging mother made me feel as if I couldn't do anything right.  As hard as I tried, I couldn't get rid of my resentment toward her.  Struggling with a poor self-image while in my 40s, I began seeing a therapist.  He quickly suggested I join an Al-Anon adult children group.

     "But there wasn't any drinking in my home when I was growing up," I protested.

     "Sally," he responded, "It sounds like your mother acts like an alcoholic who isn't drinking, but who also isn't getting any help.

     At my first Al-Anon adult children meeting, I was surprised to hear members talking about the same kind of cruel parental treatment and emotional abuse that I experienced.  Their parents were drunks.  Mine weren't.

     The program gave me a new perspective on Mom and on myself.  I worked with the therapist a while longer and continued working the Al-Anon recovery program.

     Through the steps, I gradually overcame the anger and resentment I felt toward Mom.  It took about five years before I felt completely free of it.  I even did an amends for my spiteful treatment of her.

     Then my Higher Power gave me a comical twist to finalize my healing.  During a heavy storm in my mom's home town, a tree fell on her house.  Afer the storm, Mom was temporarily staying with one of my brothers, but neither wanted Mom to move in with him.  I lived several hundred miles away..

     I took a trip to my brother's to visit my mom.  As I was leaving to go home after our visit, my mom grabbed her suitcase, which she had packed, and returned home with me without even asking.  That's Mom!

     We lived together amazingly well for three years in my little two bedroom apartment until the repairs on her house were completed.  During our time together, I practiced what I'd learned in the program and attended meetings.

     The night before I moved my mom back to her house, we were hugging good night and she said, "Sally, I'm glad that tree fell on my house.  It gave me a chance to get to know you as an adult.  I love you, Sally."

     She gave me a kiss on the cheek--it's the only kiss from her that I can remember.

     While living together, we cultivated a deep mutual love and respect for one another.  I believe that couldn't have happened without Al-Anon.
     Mom died eight years later.  She was 93.  I'm grateful for Al-Anon because it helped me to heal my resentments so I could experience healthy grieving with her passing.  The program works.