Al-Anon Family Group

The Forum magazine articles - April 2004

The following articles from the April 2004 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.   For more articles, check The Forum archive.
 
 

 

When I came to Al-Anon, I carried a heavy load of depression, guilt, and sadness.  I suffered from the effects of dealing with an alcoholic son for over 30 years.  My life truly had become unmanageable.       It was during a therapy session on family day that I heard I should go to an Al-Anon meeting.  I was in sheer desperation and could see no light at the end of the tunnel.  Somehow I felt I was responsible for the alcoholism.  With my sanity hanging in shreds, I broke down crying and heard the counselor say, "You are not a bad person."  How did she understand my feelings or know why I felt that way?       As a man, asking for help was not my way of dealing with problems.  I thought it showed a sign of weakness, but I couldn't wait until the next night to attend an Al-Anon meeting.  In my heart I felt this counselor knew that Al-Anon members would understand my problem.       The next evening I attended my first Al-Anon meeting and was baffled by the laughter I heard before I entered the room.  It had been a long time since I found anything to laugh about.  When I entered the room, there was a group of ladies sitting around a table.  I was the only man, so I began to wonder if I had made the right decision.  Soon I realized that who I was, what I was, or where I came from did not matter.  The only thing that mattered was that I was suffering from the disease of alcoholism.       At that first meeting I found people who understood, cared, and accepted me as I was.  They loved me even when I did not love myself.  I left that first meeting with hope and the knowledge that I was not alone in my struggle.  After my first meeting, I grasped this program as if it were a life preserver that someone had thrown to me.  I truly needed a life preserver because I was drowning in my own self-pity and the belief that I was a bad person because of things I had done in the past.       I attended three meetings a week and all of the Al-Anon functions in my district and area.  I began to apply the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions to my life, and to read Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature.  I became aware of my defects of character and some of the harm I had caused by trying to control things I could not control.       I needed to change my attitude.  I needed to accept only those responsibilities that were mine.  It was a relief to know the alcoholic was responsible for himself.  It helped me to know that I must account for my own actions and not my son's.  That knowledge has helped me through some rough times.  Being responsible for my own actions means I can't blame the alcoholic, either.  I know now I am responsible for my own happiness, my own peace of mind, and my own attitude.       Tolerance and patience did not come easily for me, and I needed to let go of my guilt.  My son still has an active alcohol problem, but I can be happy as long as I am involved in Al-Anon, live one day at a time, and avoid managing another person's life.  I work on my faults and keep my hands off my son's problems.  I live my own life as best I can.  Al-Anon calls this detachment--which means detaching from the problems but not from my son.       Coming to Al-Anon was the first big step I'd taken in the right direction in a long time.  I stopped looking for help directly from God, but from the many new friends and Al-Anon members he put in the path of my journey, because he speaks to me through them.       It's wonderful how Al-Anon has helped me to see myself as I really am, character defects and all. With Al-Anon's help, I have learned I can do something about myself if I want to.  I have made a beginning.

 

Today I attended my very first Al-Anon workshop.  Because I cherish every opportunity to sleep late on Saturday mornings, last night I told my Higher Power my attendance would depend on whether I woke up in time.  I've been in Al-Anon long enough to avoid feeling surprised--because waking up was a breeze!  I arrived with time to spare.       There were several topics from which to choose, the last being a writing group that was new and experimental.  The first session I chose to attend was a self-esteem discussion.  It gave me a great deal to think about.  Feeling good about myself has been a lifelong goal.  Even a compliment can send me into a panic attack.  The leader gave me a gift when she suggested that a compliment could be my Higher Power's way of telling me I'm doing okay!  Wow, what a concept!  Looking at a compliment that way will allow my heart to accept it with gratitude.       One member described her Higher Power as though He was viewing His child right after creation.  The picture she painted reminded us of the love, pride, and wonder that a new parent shows.  If my Higher Power really views us this way, how could I fall short of His acceptance and love?  After that experience, self-esteem will never be the same for me.  I have a lot to learn, but Al-Anon has already shown me I can look in the mirror and say, "I am okay.  I am loved."       The second topic for discussion was "Letting Go."  When we walked into the room, the usual circle of chairs lined the walls.  I thought, "What does letting go have to do with me?"  And then in my imagination I saw myself as a child sitting in one of those chairs, looking so free.  I would be free to express myself and to play--free to love, without even a pocketbook or a water bottle in my possession.       The child that I imagined was the child I so desperately want to be.  "Letting Go and Letting God" has been hard for me.  Being the oldest of six children born to alcoholic parents, I did not have a carefree childhood.  I could never trust anyone enough to let go.  Because the Al-Anon program has been there for me, today I have a new parent--one I can trust, one who loves me unconditionally.       I never asked other people if they imagined themselves as children while they were in that room, but I know in my heart that there are very few coincidences.  We just have to remain open enough to see the connections.  If anyone had told me I would end up in a workshop, writing about these inspirations, I would have laughed.  I'm thrilled to share what I learned and I am really glad I didn't sleep too late this Saturday morning.

 

When I first started attending Al-Anon in 1994, I went to the meetings and listened. I heard the group say the Serenity Prayer at the beginning of every meeting. I wondered whether I would ever truly understand what that prayer meant and if I would ever experience some sort of serenity in my life.       As time went on, I realized that the alcoholic in my life had to choose sobriety in his own life. I also discovered that I could not change him. I could only change myself--in my thinking and in listening to my Higher Power.       By changing my view of my own life, I realized that it didn't matter anymore whether or not the alcoholic in my life was drinking. I experience serenity today because I have changed my attitudes about my life. I no longer worry about the alcoholic. He is in my Higher Power's hands.       I must say that letting go of the alcoholic was the most difficult thing for me to do. Today it is because of the Serenity Prayer, my Higher Power, and my willingness to accept the things I cannot change that I experience serenity in my life.