Al-Anon Family Group

The Forum magazine articles - January 2008

The following articles from the January 2008 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.  For more articles, check The Forum archive.

 

When I was just seven years old, like many little girls, I danced with my father by stepping on his shoes as he glided me around the room. He was tall and straight; everyone said he looked like Bing Crosby when he was younger. I remember viewing the world from atop his shoulders. I felt protected and even cherished; I was his first daughter. I remember my father teaching me to ride a bicycle. I was left-handed and had insisted on peddling backwards, falling off when it suddenly stopped. He quietly explained to me that even though it seemed right to me to peddle backwards, forward would take me where I wanted to go. As I grew older, alcohol took my place in my father's life. My dad had a tough time holding onto a job; he spent most evenings at the corner bar. My mother became quieter and quieter. As time went on, my mother and father began a large family. Within the next ten years my mom had five more children. We moved to the city and my dad found work at a hospital in the supply department. He made little money that was consumed by the size of his growing family. I don't know how he managed to afford to keep drinking, but he did. The violence and moral decay started when I was around ten years old. He and Mom started fighting physically. Then he started on us children-beatings, humiliations, servitude, and finally sexual abuse. My sisters and my mentally retarded brother suffered the most. As the eldest at home (my older brother had joined the Air Force), I tried hard to protect my siblings and myself. I was terrified of my dad just as my mother was. With terror came hatred and all-consuming fear. I forgot about the man whose shoes I danced on, whose shoulders I rode on, the gentle teacher whom I had loved. That fear and hatred lasted until I stumbled into Al-Anon. I fell into mental illness. I was hospitalized and treated for depression and posttraumatic stress disorder. In therapy, I spoke of my feelings about my father for the first time. The therapist gave me a list of Al-Anon meetings and asked me to attend one. At first I was dead-set against going. Then as I began to feel worse, I decided to take her advice. On my way to my first Al-Anon meeting, I dug my nails into my legs; I was so very frightened. The more I went, the more I listened, but I just could not let go of the hatred I carried for so long. It had become a part of my everyday thoughts. The person whom I had asked to become my Sponsor suggested I go to an open A.A. meeting. The thought made me ill, but I decided to go. I met men and women struggling to recover. Shaking their hands was the first time since I had left home that I had allowed myself to be around anyone who had a drinking problem. I touched real people who were trying hard to overcome alcoholism. The last year of his life I was able to once again see him as a human being. Unfortunately, my dad never found help before he died. But Al-Anon has saved my sanity, helped me reconnect with my Higher Power, and released me from the hatred that I carried far too long. I've made my peace with my Dad, even though it came after his death.

 

I had an enlightening moment when I was taking my morning bath. I was thinking about Steps One and Two, the insanity of my life before the Al-Anon program, and my choice to want to live my life in sanity. Then these two terms popped up clearly in my mind: "insanity" versus "in sanity." What's the difference in these words? They have the same number of letters-but the difference in emphasis changes the whole meaning... And then I got it-there's a space between them! For me that space-in relation to living with the effects of alcoholism-signifies the Al-Anon program and my recovery. It means: Taking a step back to give myself space to breathe before deciding what action to take Holding myself back from saying potentially damaging words to my husband when I feel resentful, angry, or hurt about his actions when he's drinking Detaching with love when my husband is actively drinking Giving myself and my husband the space we both need to work our programs, without interfering I now know that my recovery is all about that small space-that breath or that pause-that allows me to detach. "Insanity" or "in sanity"? I know which way I will be living my life!

 

For many years I didn't think there was anything I was powerless over in my own little world. I believed that I only needed to try harder or organize better in order to be in charge of any outcome. In living with alcoholics, I tried many new techniques and hardened my resolve to keep them under control. My goal was to preserve order-or at least to appear orderly, logical, and responsible. I became very efficient. Before I found Al-Anon, there were several years in which I began to see how fruitless my efforts were; I felt like such a failure. I now realize that I could only be ready to hear the recovery message when I could finally admit my failure- my powerlessness over others and their disease of alcoholism. When I got to the program, my life didn't seem unmanageable because I was the one holding the family together, caring for everyone, and preserving the image of happy togetherness. But when I could finally recognize how unmanageable my life truly had become, I became more open to looking at my life and myself in a different way. I learned that we were all here because we were failing to manage our lives. And it came as a great relief to me that I was not supposed to manage anyone else's life. Instead, I only had to concentrate on managing myself. It is still a challenge for me to allow others to manage their own lives, but I now see that attempting to arrange things for others is what set me up for a great deal of frustration and failure. Today I am reminded regularly that in addition to my powerless-ness over alcohol, I also have no power over others' thinking, decisions, reactions, and consequences. I want to manage taking care of my health and well-being, honoring my preferences, deciding my actions, directing my attitude, and keeping myself open to my own feelings and to new information from others. Now that the burden of responsibility for the well-being of the entire world is lifting, I can try to respond to others with genuine love instead of judgment.