Al-Anon Family Group

The Forum magazine articles - October 2007

The following articles from the October 2007 issue are reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Hdqs., Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.  For more articles, check The Forum archive.

 

I was in college at the time: my whole world was collapsing as my parents were getting a divorce after more than 25 years of marriage.  I sought out a counselor who asked me if alcoholism was a problem in my family. I wasn't sure- we had a normal family. I thought my mom and dad worked hard and supported us, though they were always fighting.  Many nights they had parties that would always end up in fights. We, the children, would gather together and cry, blaming each other as if it were our fault and fearing the worst-the breakup of our family.  I was always being blamed, though deep inside I felt I did nothing bad enough to cause this. I told the counselor it wasn't my fault.  She gave me a book to read. I can't remember the title, but it discussed the family dynamics of alcoholism. It probably took me less than a day to read through the book and identify with all the roles and characters. When I returned to the counselor, she then suggested that I go to an Al-Anon meeting on campus. It took several sessions with her before I got the courage to go.  When I arrived, I was lucky enough to befriend a woman who became my Sponsor. She and my counselor told me I was in the right place, though guilt had me feeling quite different.  I thank God everyday for both of these women, with special thanks to the counselor who had such an accurate view of the disease of alcoholism.

 

My life was falling apart. The alcoholic had been in and out of treatment centers at least three or four times in the previous three years. I had just gotten a second restraining order against him when he threatened to kill my son and me.  My son watched his father get handcuffed and taken away to jail. I tried to hide the chaos and verbal abuse, but he remembers bits and pieces, even though he was only three. There was screaming, yelling, and furniture broken in the middle of the night. When I called the police, the alcoholic took the telephone away from me and smashed it.  I was angry, sad, and becoming crazier daily.  I remember yelling at the alcoholic and he calmly said to me, "You're crazy." I must have looked like a wild animal. I yelled, screamed, begged, pleaded, prayed, got on my knees in front of him-and yet nothing worked. He still drank, had affairs, and verbally abused me. Yet I would take him back because I loved him.  The alcoholic was bragging about his life coming together-and my life was falling apart. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't work. I couldn't take care of my son or myself.  I wanted to end my life and I thought about it seriously. I cried until no more tears could come-and thought about who would take care of my son if I died.  I called a crisis center and they referred me to Al-Anon. I was so ashamed of myself, my life, my actions, everything. I couldn't go into the meeting the first time I tried. The second meeting, my second attempt, I walked through the doors and saw all these smiling, happy people who welcomed me, didn't criticize me, didn't judge me, didn't call me stupid. They just let me cry. I listened and a huge burden was removed from my shoulders the first night.  The alcoholic is no longer in our lives, but I have to "Live and Let Live." My son hasn't seen or heard from his father for almost three years. Occasionally he asks me questions about him.  I remember saying, "No more craziness," but I never said, "Stop being a father." Sometimes I miss him, but I never miss the early morning awakenings, the arguing, the pawning of things, the lies, the broken promises, or being broke all the time.  I pray for the alcoholic and thank God everyday for leading me to Al-Anon. I am so grateful for my Sponsor and all my friends I've met in Al-Anon. Thank you for saving my life because now, I want to live. I was worth saving.